Lessons of Resilience from Refugee Camps with Valda Ford
Episode 144
Has life's hardships taken a toll, leaving you unsure of how to face another day? Do you find yourself constantly running on empty, barely keeping up with life's demands?
In this poignant episode, we chat with Valda Ford, who has lived a life filled with extraordinary hardships, from losing her son to extended time spent in war zones and refugee camps. Despite these seemingly insurmountable challenges, Valda braced herself against life's storm, finding ways to transform her pain into purpose.
After this Episode, You Will Be Able to ...
Identify telltale signs that stress may be taking a toll on you
Establish healthier work-life boundaries
Transform your pain into purpose
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About the guest: Valda Boyd Ford, MPH, MS, RN
Coming from very modest beginnings, she has defied the odds and traveled to all parts of the globe to nearly 60 countries on six continents. She has worked with Fortune 500 executives, Afghani teachers, Buddhist monks, and a host of servant leaders in all parts of the world. She worked in refugee camps across Asia and Africa to develop sustainable initiatives to improve health in the most restrictive and dire circumstances.
Valda has written book chapters on diversity and equity for two medical textbooks, and is finishing her book on her global experiences called Don't Touch the Monk and Other Stories of Global Faux Pas.
Connect with Valda Ford:
Website
Linkedin
Facebook
About the host:
Danielle Cobo is an international female speaker for organizations, associations, and the public sector. She works with audiences to harness the grit and resilience to lead through change.
With over 15 years of corporate experience in the medical sales industry, she knows how to build high-performing teams that increase sales, productivity, and employee retention. Her expertise includes corporate resilience and burnout prevention.
Danielle is the author of “Unstoppable Grit: Breakthrough the 7 Roadblocks Standing Between You and Achieving Your Goals” and hosts the globally top-rated podcast "Unstoppable Grit Podcast with Danielle Cobo.”
As a former Fortune 500 Senior Sales Manager, she led her team through downsizing, restructuring, and acquisitions to become the #1 sales team in the nation. As a result, she was awarded Region Manager of the Year. Her resiliency motivated her to earn four consecutive national Sales Excellence Awards in a male-dominated industry.
While her husband, a Blackhawk pilot in the Army, deployed to Iraq for a year, Danielle learned to balance a demanding job while caring for their energetic 1.5-year-old twin boys, who possess more energy than a squirrel after a triple espresso.
Danielle’s resilience led her to start her own business, helping others develop the grit, resilience, and courage to thrive in life and business.
Her tenacious attitude stems from being raised by an ambitious mother and recovering from being taken from her father and cast out at 17 years of age.
She is a two-time 60-mile walker and a monster truck driver in Louboutin’s.
Danielle has a bachelor’s in communication with a minor in psychology from the California State University of Fullerton, Certification in Inclusive and Ethical Leadership from the University of South Florida Muma College of Business, and accreditation in Human Behavior from Personality Insights. Inc., and Leadership from Boston Breakthrough Academy.
She is a member of the National Speakers Association, the Central Florida National Speakers Association Chapter, Innovation Women, and a former member of Working Women of Tampa Bay. Danielle serves on the Military Advisory, Workforce Development, and Women of Influence Committees of the Tampa Chamber of Commerce. She is also a contributing writer for Women's Quarterly Magazine.
Her experience includes serving as a Training Pillar on the Military Spouse Economic Empowerment Zone Committee and Career Transition Advisor for Dallas Professional Women.
Through Danielle's captivating storytelling, content-rich and motivational style, she empowers individuals and organizations to cultivate unwavering resilience, igniting a transformative path towards increased sales, productivity, employee retention, and collaboration.
About the show:
The Unstoppable Grit Podcast with Danielle Cobo explores the journeys of people who have overcome adversity and harnessed the grit and resilience to thrive in all areas of their lives, Guests share how they overcame difficult times - the strategies, mindset shifts, lessons they learned along the way, and actions that propelled them forward. From navigating career setbacks to overcoming personal obstacles, each episode is a testament to grit and resilience.
You'll learn how to develop the grit and resilience to lead yourself and others through change.
Join host Danielle Cobo, keynote speaker and author of "Unstoppable Grit: Break Through the 7 Roadblocks Standing Between You and Your Goals." A new episode is released every Wednesday at 4:00 AM EST.
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Today's guest started from humble roots and experienced the heart wrenching loss of her two-year-old son. Valdefore transformed her pain into purpose. She's navigated the turbulent terrains of war zones, refugee camps, and post-disaster areas across nearly six continents, from Fortune 500 boardrooms to the hush tents of refugee camps in Asia and Africa.
She's extended her expertise by working with many individuals, including Buddhist monks, Afghani teachers, and global servant leaders. A registered nurse who turned entrepreneur, her ventures range from pioneering cardiac and rehabilitation centers in the Caribbean to founding the Center of Human Diversity with a mission to empower the most vulnerable.
As she readies her upcoming book, Don't Touch the Monk, and other stories of global focus, we're honored to dive into her journey today.
Slammed to the Rock Bottom
I imagine that what I've been taught is, "You just can't stop grit," can serve as a catalyst. It can be that friction that you need to move forward. And if an area is slick and smooth, you can't get any traction; you can't go forward. So I feel that each thing that has happened has been a purpose to my passion so that I understand that when I go to those places where there's no running water, no electricity, where people are afraid for their lives, I was given much and I want to provide much.
So, I know that a lot of times we hear to just push through and keep going, but sometimes that just seems nearly impossible when we're in the midst of it when we're experiencing those moments right now.
It wasn't easy at all. And sometimes I didn't push through. I am that person who can be there in the middle of a crisis. I don't cry; I don't panic; I get things done. Being a critical care and trauma nurse always helped. But later, when everything has calmed down and everyone has gone about their business, that's when it hit me with my son. Trust me, I could barely walk out of the hospital when he died because some things shouldn't have happened there. And it wasn't just something that I could accept. So, after a few months, I was nearly suicidal. I mean, I had gone through all the contemplating, all the preparing.
But then when you get to that bottom point, some people fall softly, and some people slam to the floor. And so that was a slam for me. And ultimately, I talked to a psychiatrist. He put me on some medications that were slightly crazy because it made me want to become a marathon runner. And trust me, this is a person who usually was trying to get over walking one mile. I found myself running for about five miles the first time I took this pill, and I thought, um, not taking this anymore. We had to discuss the fact that I needed some other options besides chemicals, but yeah, it can be tough. And I think the most important thing I could say to anyone is to pay attention to yourself. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. And if you are always the strong one, then many times others won't recognize when you become weak.e merger of what we wanted to have happen. And so I knew what my mission was, what I didn't realize was that no matter how hard I tried, the change wouldn't happen. I didn't realize it until that moment.
Body signals of exhaustion or distress
The signs are typically what a therapist would call anhedonia. That means, to be a hedonist, of course, is to live, laugh, and be merry, right? But to have anhedonia, it means the things that typically are good for us, that make us feel good, that we want to go do, we don't. And we isolate ourselves more and more and more.
If I'm typically the person who loves going to a party, I'll stop going.
If I am the one who loves to dance, I won't dance.
If I am the girl who is always on the phone, I don't want to talk to anyone.
But then there can be physical signs and symptoms, which we don't know to look for:
They can be sleeping a lot
Not sleeping at all
Being irritable
Being down where people can see it
Have stomach problems
Headaches
Joint pain
Your body will try to get you to say, "Hey, hey, hey, I'm trying to tell you something." But if you continue to believe when you've gone through a lot of pain that it's normal, and everyone around you is saying, "Well, of course, you're sad because you lost your child. You lost your parents. You lost your home. Whatever the loss is," it is not a good thing to do. There are fortunately some good commercials out now that are pointing people in the direction of talking to your friend, just try to find a time to say, "I'm here. I'm happy to listen." And sometimes that's all you have to do.
And the most important thing is to really pay attention to your sleep habits. They can tell you a lot. Don't want to get up in the morning? No point in going to bed? Those are really big signs.
The Power of Family and Community
I don't ask anyone for anything. I do everything for myself. I do everything for you. I'm the type A personality, everything for everyone. And, when I became really depressed, my sister showed up at my door.
So sometimes you can't be the one to ask. That is why your circle of friends needs to pay attention. My sister, her husband, her daughter, and her three grandchildren showed up at my doorstep and said, "We're coming in," and I was like, "Okay," but they came in then they came in in their pajamas. I was like, "What is going on?"
And so we have come to stay with you this weekend. We know there's something wrong. We know that you don't talk. But we're going to be here physically for you. We're going to make sure you're getting the right food. We're going to make sure that these small people that you love so much may help pull you back up. And it did.
It started the journey up because they refused to let me sit in the house in the dark in the corner, not sleeping or sleeping too much. Fortunately, I'm not a drinker. I don't do drugs, or I probably would have been really deep into one of them. But they came and they said, "We're not leaving until we can see some sign of change."
So they came with an intervention. And that is why it is important to have a circle of friends who, when they see that something isn't right, just gently nudge you, and then say, "Hey, get out of it. You can't do it by yourself. We'll be there. I know a good therapist. Let's go on a retreat."
Whatever it takes to break that fall and to provide a softer landing and then the ability to get back. It's incredible that they showed up unexpectedly in pajamas. And I want to emphasize that because that's real. It's not a matter of me coming in and me looking all my best and I'm going to come in and save you.
It's not, "I'm sorry what's happening to you." It's, "I'm with you. You're in your pajamas. I'm in my pajamas. We are here sitting together." And when I was going through my postpartum depression, and I was going through the recovery of it, and I had just gone out of the hospital for dehydration.
And I had one of those moments, one of those friends. It wasn't a family member, but it was a neighbor that I used to say hi to in passing by. At one point I asked her, "Can you please take me to the hospital because I'm so dehydrated, I can barely get up, and my husband needed to stay home with those kids," and it was that asking for help that actually bonded the lifelong relationship, and she did something similar, she came over to my house, and for a week straight, while my husband was at work, she sat on the couch next to me, holding one baby while I was holding the other, they were only a couple of months old, and we just sat there and hung out.
And it wasn't, it was just her being there that made the biggest difference. It was that step in the right direction.
It just can be the step. It doesn't have to be profound. It doesn't have to be overwhelming. And because we don't talk about mental health, the lack thereof, behavioral health, whatever we want to call it, because we don't really talk about it, our parents probably taught us not to stare at that person, or they're crazy, or let's put them in the back, or you've seen people lose their jobs, even with the ability to get long-term leave for your family, sometimes you see people not come back, sometimes you see in the workplace that they are looked at differently.
So we have to be that community of people who say, "We're here for you. And before you go screaming down the hall next to the water fountain, let's just go have some tea on the porch. Let's just go for a walk because all those physical things can make a difference." But most importantly, when people are depressed, they frequently isolate, and isolation is the thing you work for.
Forced to isolate, basically, because you have small people, and to have twins is no easy feat. And people are like, "Oh, they're so cute, oh, they're so cute." You say, "Yeah, there's cute two feedings, cute two diapers, cute two burps, everything." And sometimes you have a lot of help in the beginning, and then it disappears because everyone is excited in the beginning, and then they want to get back to their life, and you should have this by now.
So pay attention to what's going on with you. And what's going on with your friends make a difference. I had a student at the time; I was an assistant professor of nursing and one of my students whom I'd been pretty close to, I just thought she was awesome. And by that time I was a director at the university, but she worked for me.
And she came to me and she said, "You know, you're the same, but not the same. There's a film over you. I still see you. You still look the same. You're dressing up and coming to work, but there's something there." And I thought if this young woman who was my employee by now was willing to just take me aside to say something was wrong. Then I knew I had to do something about it.
Resilience in Refugee Camps
Well, you've talked about some of the steps that you've taken to heal and cope and move forward in life. It's not as though that pain is never going to go away. You've just found a way to take life day by day, but you've taken that pain and you've turned it into purpose, and you've traveled to over 60 countries and you have seen, you have worked in refugee camps.
5 Learnings about Resilience that We Could Apply to Our Lives
Embrace vulnerability, ignite growth.
Your body is your compass.
The journey matters just as much as the destination.
Strength in unity
Transform pain into purpose
Part of the way I handle things is to do something else: a bad breakup, get a new hobby; a bad marriage, go to school and get another degree. I have four degrees post-high school, so I had a lot of bad stuff going on. So, what can I do? Turn that energy into something else. And I have to say, being an African American woman growing up poor in the South, everybody said, "Girl, ain't nobody got time for that. You have to get up and keep going. You can't not go to work. You're sad because your income cannot accommodate the loss. You can't just stop going when you have a child; you have to get up and brush that boy's hair and keep going." So that's what I heard growing up, and that had been my modus operandi: just get up, keep going, get up, keep going.
Cultural Barriers of Southern Sudan People
The refugee camp thing started because I had become a director of community affairs for the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and there was a huge influx of people from the Sudan into Omaha, Nebraska. So, if you imagine, Omaha is pretty much fair-skinned, even though not as fair as most people think, but you have a huge influx of 10,000 people from southern Sudan. So they had a completely different look, and they were very obviously not from there, and they were having problems. And some of the docs would come to me and they said, "Valda, I don't get it. Why is it that these patients act like we're the enemy?" And I said, "I don't know." And then I'd have the opportunity to talk to the people in the community, and they would say, "Valda, why do these doctors treat us like we're the enemy?" And I said, "I don't know." And ultimately, there were some simple answers, like the docs didn't like having the husbands in the room if they were talking to a woman because in our society, that seems like the person is being protective of the abuse they're giving out at home. But for them, they didn't know about our medical system, and they weren't accustomed to taking off their clothes and being in a room with a stranger.
I decided to go to a refugee camp, but not in southern Sudan because there were still 150 bombing runs a year in southern Sudan.
Wake-Up Call: Appreciating Simple Joys
I went to Ghana and I went to see what was life like in a refugee camp, what are some of the stories from people because many of the people in Omaha didn't want to tell their stories. They wanted to be American. They didn't want to talk about what happened. They didn't want to bring that baggage with them.
So I met with all these folks who are dealing with the Liberian War, and the stories were phenomenal. I found out why some of the behaviors happened. I just translated them into what was going on or extrapolated that probably, but it made sense why certain things were done when you're in survival mode when you have not yet come to recognize the American dream, and you're just worried that it's going to be taken away from you forcibly any moment. But while I was there, I found that no matter what else was going on with me, the women there talked to me.
So, let's say I was running this clinic trying to develop sustainable eye care, and I would work about 12 hours a day, maybe more, sun up, sun down. And when I was walking home one day, one of the women said, "We don't think you're going to be here, Dr. Ford." They always call me doctor. "We don't think you're going to be here, Dr. Ford." And I was like, "Why haven't I proven? I've already been here eight weeks. I'm going to be here 12. Why do you think I should leave?" Imagine a lot of people go into tough situations like that and they leave after they get tired.
You take a shower, right? So I said, "Why?" And they said, "We don't think you're going to be here." And they just said that and went home. And so when I showed up at home, the woman who had my lodging said, "What is wrong with you? You look so sad.
I was like, "I don't get it. How much harder do I have to work to show that I'm willing to work, to stay here until the end, and to bring other people in who will continue to work?" And she says, "Well, what did they say exactly?" I said, "They said, 'We don't think you're going to be here much longer.'" She says,
"Oh, they think you're going to die." "Wait, what? They said they thought you were going to die?" She said, "I want to hear this." She said, "They think you're going to die."
And I said, "Well, why in the world would they think that?" Now I had lost some weight. Imagine you go to a place that is a hundred plus every day and half the time you're working outside and you don't want to eat, but I was happy for the weight loss. It wasn't substantial.
She says, "You don't ever rest. You are either getting up and going to work. You're barely eating breakfast. Maybe you have an energy bar or something at lunch, and then in the evening, maybe you're too tired to go to sleep, and they all know that. They see you kind of trudge in, trudge out. You don't participate in any of the events on the camp. There were 70,000 people in that camp. That's a lot of people. They had churches or mosques. They had weddings. They had birthed. They had funerals. I didn't go to any of them." She says, "They see that you don't know how to live, so they assume that you will just die."
So I'm thinking, well, if this is not a wake-up moment, I'm never gonna have one. Because there are people who have lost everything. They've lost their homes, they've lost their families, they've lost lives, or they've lost limbs. And they are telling me that I don't know how to live. And you know what? They were right. Because of all the 60 countries I've been to, probably the first 45, I never enjoyed anything that was there. I went in to do the work. I went in to speak. I went in to consult.
And the folks would say, "Uh, what's it look like in Riyadh?" I was like, "I don't know. I saw the airport. It was beautiful. And then the limousine to the place that I was doing it and the limousine back." So they made me stop to say, "You know, you could at least give yourself an extra couple of days."
I found out after eight weeks that less than two miles down the street was the most beautiful white sand beach ever seen in my life. I didn't know it was there, and the refugees couldn't go because it cost a dollar to three dollars a day to get in, and that could have been a full day's wage or more, so they had never been. So then I started organizing trips, especially to take the kids to the beach, and they were just undone with the force of the water, the color, the sand, and so that, even though once again I was working, I was relaxing working with them.
As a society, we often think you work hard, do your due diligence, make the money, and show up to work, and there's this, was walking the other day, and I saw this man wearing a shirt, and it said, "Work hard. No one else cares." What a horrible message to send across that our only purpose in life is to work hard.
Now, you and I are both, I would imagine high achievers, very thankful, yeah, self-motivated and driven and accomplished, and we work hard, but I don't know about you, but I don't work hard to just work hard. I want to live my life, and I too can relate I look back at my career and I think about I look at, have a map of the United States, my office, and I have these little red dots of all the different places I've been to, not only in the United States but in the world. I think back to how many times I went in, flew into the airport, went to the meeting, flew back. I never really explored just taking one more day to explore the area that I was in. And I wish I would have done that. And that's such a great lesson that we can learn in life to live.
One of my signature keynotes is life, laugh, and love. And people say that's so simple. You should change it. I was like, no, I had to learn how to live. I was taught how to live by people who lived because they knew that everything could be taken from you tomorrow and that all of the things that they had before. We're useless. They would give it all back to hear a child laugh be held by a mother or be engaged for a minute. They learned how to live like tomorrow is the last day. Not like we can plan everything else. And they laughed, they had events, they had programs. And after that, I would go to church with them. I would go to see a wedding. I didn't participate in the funerals cause that's a whole other set of things. It's a multi-day event, but I learned I did take the time to laugh more.
And to enjoy the feelings that I was receiving from them, rather than being clinical, because as a nurse, we're always like, "Well, I can't become involved because then maybe I won't be impartial. Maybe I'll miss something." But you have to let people in and just develop some safeguards.
But they helped me learn that living was something I had not been doing or that my work had been my life. Isn't it interesting that sometimes it takes everything being stripped of us before we start to realize what life is really about or how to really live and to not get so caught up in all the trivial things that go wrong throughout the day when, in all reality, I always remind myself of, "No matter how challenging life can be at times, I still have running water? I still have a place to call home." When I lay in bed, I am so grateful to have a bed. I didn't grow up with a lot. I was provided for, and I still had more than most people in third-world countries, but I still look around at what my life is today and go, "Gosh, I am so grateful."
And sometimes that can be very short-sighted when we get caught up in trying to chase what everybody else is doing or what society's expectations are, getting caught up in being so focused on work that we forget to live and to be grateful for what we have. Yes, gratitude is something that I have to remember always. I don't ever think I was ungrateful, but I don't remember being intentionally grateful.
So now I do pay attention to things. I understand that I am in so much better shape. Even if I go bankrupt tomorrow, my house burns down, or someone takes my car, I will still be better off because I have a community of people who love me. And I know that if I ever drop down into that abyss, they will come for me and lift me up.
5 Key Takeaways in Dealing With Difficulties
Physical Health as an Indicator: Despite her active lifestyle, a medical study revealed elevated inflammation levels, prompting her doctor to express concern about the risk of a heart attack or stroke.
Impact of Prolonged Stress: This emphasizes the importance of recognizing and managing stress to prevent long-term health issues.
Listening to Your Body: She highlights the importance of taking breaks and allowing oneself time to recover, emphasizing that constant stress can lead to physical and emotional breakdowns.
Power of Shared Stories: The powerful story of connecting with a woman who had lost her child in a tsunami showcases the transformative impact of shared experiences.
The Impact of Words: Her acknowledgment of shared pain created a profound connection, showcasing how words can uplift and connect individuals, fostering understanding and empathy.
Physical Health as an Indicator
And I remember just trying to get in shape at one point because I knew the physical part would be good for me. And then my doctor called me. I was in a study. So if those of you out there can get in a study at an academic medical center where you exercise and get all these beautiful tests for free, do it. You don't have to give too much except your blood pressure. But I was in this test, and a doctor called me, and he was like, "Valda, I need you to get out of this study. Like, what is going on? Have they been giving me something in secret?" He says, "I don't like your lab work." So I went to see him, and there's a lab called C-reactive protein, which basically shows what's going on in your body when there's a lot of inflammation. And the higher this number gets, the more likely you are to have a heart attack, stroke, or some other horrible thing, and he says, "You know, I believe you're going to have a heart attack or a stroke any day now." What are you talking about? I'm swimming for an hour a day. I'm on the treadmill at least 30 minutes. I use a trainer for exercise. I play racquetball. What else? He says, "Well, you are not masking it to your body. Your body knows that stuff is bad." And this was actually before my sister and company came to visit. And then I did see that therapist a different time. So of course, with my son, but I thought nothing could be as bad as that.
Impact of Prolonged Stress
So everything was fine. I dealt with everything from just everything comments that everyone who's been in business probably knows if they're not the person at the top, but I kept dealing with it. And I kept dealing with it, and I thought I was dealing with it and even having teaching moments with him, but no, my body was just being weathered. That's something that they talk about weathering when you are under so much stress for so long, all the time, your insides, no matter what you look like outside, your insides are being weathered.
So just imagine shutters outside in the storm that were beautiful and painted up all pristine and storm after storm after storm. Now they look like a mess. Maybe you have to just paint, and maybe you have to change the shutters altogether. But constant stress is like that. And that's why your body shuts you down. That's why it forces you to sleep because you haven't had any decent sleep. You haven't had restorative sleep. And even though it can go too far, your body tries to help, and then sometimes it goes too far. But these are things, also, that if you're not feeling right, if you're having a lot of pain if you're not sleeping, and your doctor's just saying, "Well, blah, blah, blah," just so you know, especially if you have a lot of pain, just say, "Can we take a couple of tests? Aren't there some tests that will show how much inflammation I have in my body?" Because the inflammation for me, I thought having a bad back after being a registered nurse was normal. It was just one part of the inflammatory process going on, and I was holding it. I was holding it.
And I came to find out that when my back went. My back was out, as my grandma would say. It was because I was carrying that stress in the already weakened part of my body. So that's what I mean about listening. So now if my back starts to hurt and I haven't lifted something that's too heavy, then I know, take a break, take a day, take an hour. And allow yourself to get that stress both of you and out of you. And that's some great advice because so often we just push through, keep going, keep going. And it sounds like that's what you were doing at the refugee camps when you were working those 12 plus hours a day. And that's what you were doing when you were at work after you lost your son.
Listening to Your Body
Then other experiences that you've had in your life where you just kept pushing through, but it's so important that you start to listen to your body and you start to tune in and see those signs and ask for help, whether it's seeking the attention of a medical provider, be it psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a physician, then also reaching out to your friends saying, "Hey, let's come hang out in pajamas." Yes. And so I want to say, especially to those friends, you reach out, you show up in the pajamas, you take them by the hand and take them to their favorite coffee joint or take them for a walk in the woods or to a beach for a weekend because they might not even know how much they need it.
Power of Shared Stories
I had an example this past weekend. I spoke at a high tea. So we had the fascinators. We had all the stuff. It was like, "Oh my Lord, this is over the top." So we had it, and I was the keynote speaker. And there was a woman who had sat across from me, and this other woman said, "This is X person. And, oh, I want you to know she's also a nurse." And so I said, "Oh, great. You're a nurse, blah, blah, blah." Usual things, what field, and she was just kind of. She might give a one or two-word answer. And I was like, "Okay, I'm good with that. I'm tired. I just flew in after flying for eight days in a row. Maybe she's tired." And so when I gave my talk and I talked about not only losing my son, which is bad enough, but at another refugee camp in Sri Lanka, I had the opportunity to try to replicate these same programs.
And I wasn't getting anywhere. I was not getting anywhere. I was working with Buddhist monks. I was working; they were taking me to the communities, introducing me, which should have made it better. I wasn't getting anywhere, and I was thinking about, "Well, I'm going to have to leave." I had medical students who were in from the UK, and so one day we were sitting at the table. We're not trying to get people to test their eyes or take blood pressure, tell them about foods rich in vitamin A. We were just sitting there. And this woman basically said, "Oh, this is terrible. What a waste of time. We lost so much. You can't possibly know what we lost." And I said, "You're right. I cannot possibly understand how the world flips on you, and a tsunami comes rushing in at 500 miles an hour, and you don't have a chance to run.
I said, but I have experienced pain. And even though it's been many years ago, it's still just as fresh today. And, you know, I wasn't trying to say, 'I get your pain,' because that's ridiculous. 250,000 people were wiped out in that day in 2004. 250,000 in the blink of an eye. That number is still hard to comprehend that many people, a quarter million people just instantly, instantly. Because again, a tsunami moves at 500 miles an hour. Even if you can see it out there, that's faster than most planes fly. So how are you going to get away from that? So this woman was on the beach. She was working. She's. Fishing and working with her nets, repairing nets. I don't even know if she was the fisher person or if she was repairing for her husband. But she was repairing her net. She had her two-year-old son there with her. And the water came up and swept them away. But fortunately, she was able to hold on to a tree. And she held on, and she held on, and she held on while the waters receded. And at some point, she fell asleep. And then, when she awakened...
I can see it in your face. You already know that she awakened to find her arms empty.
The Impact of Words
When I said I lost my son, she said in her language, "I am so sorry." And everyone just was like, "What is going on?" I was like, "What is wrong with her saying I'm sorry to me?" They said she had not spoken since she lost her child. She has not spoken in six months. We had to go get her by the hand and bring her to this place where everyone was in a makeshift structure. Feed her, encourage her, or bathe her. And when she heard you say that, she spoke. And then the words tumbled out of her. And they were trying to tell me through an interpreter what she was saying, but basically, she was just saying, she didn't think anyone could ever experience that. Her son, my son, same age, almost to the day.
And so we developed this bond over tragedy, and because she reacted to me in that way, and because I reacted to her life. I got a huggy. I don't know if it's correct, but we have to embrace, and she cried, and I cried, and I told you I'm not a crier. It was a big old ugly over tears. It was horrible. But at the end, they determined that I wasn't just someone who came in there to tell them something of which I did not know. And the relationship changed in an instant. We had a very successful program developed there. And I guess that's the thing. You never know when you go somewhere, when you say something, when you do something, how it's going to affect the person around you.
Because I didn't tell a lot of that story because it's still painful to tell, but that got to her when nothing else could get to her. So your words are powerful. We say in our association that we use words to lift the world. And I had no idea. A few words that I said would lift her world and in turn allowed us to develop something that they badly needed but would not accept from us. That is such an impactful moment. The vulnerability that you had to share your story opened up to talk for the first time in six months just by sharing your story. And there's so much power behind sharing our story and that it creates a relatability; it creates a sense of another person feeling like I'm not alone that somebody actually gets this because a lot of times when we're in despair and we're in hardship and we're going through challenges, we start to feel like, am I the only one going through this? Why me? Why now? I can't do this anymore. And to hear that somebody has been there, who's gone through it and maybe just a couple steps ahead that can be there to link arms and be alongside is such a powerful relationship and connection amongst people.
Don't Touch the Monk and Other Stories of Global Faux Pas
You've got this book coming out. Will you tell our listeners a little bit about your book?
Don't Touch the Monk and Other Stories of Global Faux Pas are about me going to do things. My purpose then was the Center for Human Diversity to make sure that when people don't understand each other. I helped them or develop programs that you're more likely to understand someone of a different culture. And so I traveled a lot. I traveled to Poland. I went to Auschwitz and Birkenau. I traveled to Tiananmen Square in China. I traveled to all those places. I traveled to the slave castles of Africa where the door of no return. And each time I just thought, why are people like this? And why don't people do more to make sure these things don't happen again?
And what I found was, that even though I was enlightened and trained and studied with the best, we're always afraid to make that mistake. We're afraid to say that thing that may hurt someone. Or if you're in touchy-touchy situations, like in one refugee camp where the people who were the aggressors and the people who were the victims ended up in the same camp because things flipped. And the ones who were the aggressors became the victims. So they ended up in the same place. So, my mediation and conciliation training was helping, but you don't want to say the same, the wrong thing, and you don't always know what's the right thing based on your perspective versus theirs. And so, I started recognizing a theme. If I did something that wasn't perfect and I was thinking, Oh, I've totally messed up things. Cause I thought I had messed it up with this woman. And the don't touch the monk part is that I was so excited at the end of the day, that I ran up and gave the monk a great big hug- never do this.
And he just looked at me and kind of disappeared for a few days. So I was thinking, Oh, we just had this breakthrough and I just crushed it. But when I saw him again, and I was like, Oh, where have you been? Cause I kept asking his assistant, where is the monk? And he said he is not here. It's like, okay, got it. Some people are low talkers. We're high talkers. And so on the fourth day, when he was back. I just ran to him; you know, I'm in the genuflecting pose; I'm so sorry, I know I'm not supposed to touch you, please allow us to continue this work. He had his assistant to get me up from the ground, and he said, I was never worried because I already saw your heart and no matter what you would have done based on what you have already done and because I have seen you, I have seen your heart, I would know that it did not come from a bad place.
And so my book is a series of stories where I've been in different places in the world, including in the USA, where I made a mistake, where there was a faux pas. So far, nothing that was deadly, but could have been. And what I found is when I was vulnerable enough to say, I am sorry. I don't know what I did that's wrong, would you tell me? Many times the answer was no because if I was going in the helping mode, they would be afraid that if they corrected me, I would leave. With my programs, with my medicines, with my schools. But I found that if I say in advance, I know I'm going to make a mistake and I give you permission. It was more likely to happen, but also they didn't hate me and I didn't hate them. And we got past our misunderstandings because we were willing to be vulnerable. And that's what the book is about. I believe that that type of book would be so impactful in all areas of our lives because I held a leadership position for a Fortune 500 company. And I believe that of I had some deep-rooted insecurities about saying the wrong thing and maybe it is not whatever I'm saying in coaching style, maybe taken the wrong way. And it was just always getting caught up in words. So I'm excited to read your book. Thank you so much for joining the podcast today. Appreciate you sharing your stories and being so vulnerable and authentic.
