Reclaiming Confidence After Revealing a 20-year Secret with Barb Betts
Episode 141
Imagine carrying a secret, a burden that weighs not just on your physical appearance but on your very soul. A secret that eats away at your confidence day by day. It's something that many of us can relate to in one way or another, whether it's professional or personal.
Our guest today, Barb Betts, knows this struggle all too well. For over 20 years, she faced a challenge that she kept hidden behind a facade of shame and insecurity.
But then, at 42, Barb made a courageous decision to stop hiding and living in the shadows of her insecurities.
Today, she shares her incredible story and how to reclaim your confidence.
After this Episode, You Will Be Able to ...
Confront and conquer your fears.
Stop hiding in the face of insecurities.
Prioritize your happiness and authenticity.
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About the guest:
Barb Betts is a sought-after keynote speaker, seasoned real estate expert, passionate educator, and the CEO of The RECollective®, a thriving boutique brokerage in Southern California.
As a real estate professional with over 20 years of experience, Barb has mastered the ever-changing real estate landscape and the balance of running a vibrant brokerage. Through her signature course, Real Estate By Relationship®, Barb educates business builders on the exact systems, processes, and knowledge necessary to succeed in any market.
Barb has been featured in REALTOR® Magazine, RRC Residential Specialist Magazine, and has an award winning podcast, Real Estate By Relationship®, where she hosts thought provoking conversations around building confidence, authenticity, and of course, real estate.
Connect with Barb Betts:
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LinkedIn
Instagram
Facebook
About the host:
Danielle Cobo is an international female speaker for organizations, associations, and the public sector. She works with audiences to harness the grit and resilience to lead through change.
With over 15 years of corporate experience in the medical sales industry, she knows how to build high-performing teams that increase sales, productivity, and employee retention. Her expertise includes corporate resilience and burnout prevention.
Danielle is the author of “Unstoppable Grit: Breakthrough the 7 Roadblocks Standing Between You and Achieving Your Goals” and hosts the globally top-rated podcast "Unstoppable Grit Podcast with Danielle Cobo.”
As a former Fortune 500 Senior Sales Manager, she led her team through downsizing, restructuring, and acquisitions to become the #1 sales team in the nation. As a result, she was awarded Region Manager of the Year. Her resiliency motivated her to earn four consecutive national Sales Excellence Awards in a male-dominated industry.
While her husband, a Blackhawk pilot in the Army, deployed to Iraq for a year, Danielle learned to balance a demanding job while caring for their energetic 1.5-year-old twin boys, who possess more energy than a squirrel after a triple espresso.
Danielle’s resilience led her to start her own business, helping others develop the grit, resilience, and courage to thrive in life and business.
Her tenacious attitude stems from being raised by an ambitious mother and recovering from being taken from her father and cast out at 17 years of age.
She is a two-time 60-mile walker and a monster truck driver in Louboutin’s.
Danielle has a bachelor’s in communication with a minor in psychology from the California State University of Fullerton, Certification in Inclusive and Ethical Leadership from the University of South Florida Muma College of Business, and accreditation in Human Behavior from Personality Insights. Inc., and Leadership from Boston Breakthrough Academy.
She is a member of the National Speakers Association, the Central Florida National Speakers Association Chapter, Innovation Women, and a former member of Working Women of Tampa Bay. Danielle serves on the Military Advisory, Workforce Development, and Women of Influence Committees of the Tampa Chamber of Commerce. She is also a contributing writer for Women's Quarterly Magazine.
Her experience includes serving as a Training Pillar on the Military Spouse Economic Empowerment Zone Committee and Career Transition Advisor for Dallas Professional Women.
Through Danielle's captivating storytelling, content-rich and motivational style, she empowers individuals and organizations to cultivate unwavering resilience, igniting a transformative path towards increased sales, productivity, employee retention, and collaboration.
About the show:
The Unstoppable Grit Podcast with Danielle Cobo explores the journeys of people who have overcome adversity and harnessed the grit and resilience to thrive in all areas of their lives, Guests share how they overcame difficult times - the strategies, mindset shifts, lessons they learned along the way, and actions that propelled them forward. From navigating career setbacks to overcoming personal obstacles, each episode is a testament to grit and resilience.
You'll learn how to develop the grit and resilience to lead yourself and others through change.
Join host Danielle Cobo, keynote speaker and author of "Unstoppable Grit: Break Through the 7 Roadblocks Standing Between You and Your Goals." A new episode is released every Wednesday at 4:00 AM EST.
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Imagine carrying a secret, a burden that weighs not just on your physical appearance, but on your very soul, a secret that eats away at your confidence day by day. It's something that many of us can relate to in one way or another, whether it's professionally or personally. Barb Betts knows this struggle all too well. For over 20 years, she faced a challenge that she kept hidden behind a facade of shame and insecurity. But then, at the age of 42, Barb made a courageous decision. She decided it was time to stop hiding, to stop living in the shadows of her own insecurities.
Hidden Battle Against Hair Loss
The secret is that I have suffered from adult female hair loss. Since I was 18 or 19 years old, my hair started thinning and falling out. I woke up one day around the age of 18 or 19 and brushed my hair, finding two 50-cent-sized alopecia spots on my head. For those of you who don't know what alopecia is, it is not just hair loss. It is actual hair loss where there is no hair at all. The hair has come out of the follicles. So it's almost like what I like to refer to as a baby's bottom on your head. Imagine brushing your hair and seeing that. The thoughts that go through your head in that moment, I can't even describe. Am I sick? Do I have cancer? What is this? Where did the hair go? I couldn't even find the hair. It was just like an unimaginable experience.
I went to my dermatologist and got needles injected into my scalp to start growing the hair back. She said, "Hey, at the end of the day, this typically means you have some kind of autoimmune condition going on." So, I got tested for that, went to an internist, and found out that I have an autoimmune disease of the thyroid.
The story continues with my hair continuing to fall out, diffusely across my head, which is also known as female pattern baldness, alopecia, autoimmune. My dad was bald at 25, so I have genetic hair loss. I have it all. I tried every solution possible. I tried every procedure. I tried every single serum. I tried needles in my scalp, Platelet Rich Plasma (PRP), if you're familiar with that process. I tried it all.
Finally, I went to a hair transplant surgeon who was honest with me about the reality of my situation. But where the story goes differently is that I had been hiding behind it for years. So yes, I was going through this painful, shameful thing at home in front of my family and my husband. But then I was covering it up to my friends, my family, and publicly.
Breaking the Wig Stigma
I was wearing powder in my hair every day, which are hair follicles that you hairspray down on your head. That literally creates a hairline. And I was ashamed. I was embarrassed, and I thought, why me? All the things. After that doctor's appointment, I just said, I have to do something about this. I am 42 years old. I am too young to be bald, and I don't want to live like this anymore.
So I explored human hair alternatives and came across a company in Newport Beach, right in my backyard. I went for a consultation, and I thought I was going to get a topper, which is full-length extensions that clip into the top of your head, into your bio hair, and hang over your hair. That's what I thought I was going to get. I thought, I can do this. Tons of women wear extensions, all the things.
I'll never forget when Ashley, my consultant, walked into the room and she took one look at the top of my head. She said, "Barb, this isn't going to work for you. You don't have enough hair on top of your head to clip in, and it's going to be painful, and it's going to pull your hair out more." She said, "I suggest you try wigs." And Danielle, I looked at her like she had three heads and, I don't know, fire breathing out. Like I was like, "You're insane. There's no way I'm going to wear wigs. There's a stigma behind wigs. Only old people wear wigs. Only sick people wear wigs. They look fake. I had all the excuses."
My 20-year-old daughter at the time, turned and looked at me and said, "Mom, do you know how many women wear full-length extensions? You just need help in a different area." So I decided to try on the wig. That's an interesting perspective. Wait, let's say that one again, because that's so she said, "Mom, do you know how many women wear full-length extensions? You just need help in a different area. It's no different." That statement changed my life.
I tried on the wig and I was like, "Wow, it was the first time I had felt beautiful in a very long time." I ripped the band-aid off. I ordered the wig. I talked to my husband, my son, and my daughter, and I said, "You know what? It was transformative to take the step to order the wig. That was definitely a transformative moment.
However, what really transformed my life was when I said to my family, "I'm not going to hide behind this anymore. I'm going to be authentic. I'm going to be transparent. I'm going to be vulnerable. And I'm going to tell the world that I've been hiding behind something and I now wear wigs, and I'm going to be proud of it." The reason I did that was that I knew in my heart that there were other women out there who were young like me, suffering in pain as well, and hiding behind the same shame of hair loss as I was.
7 Transformational Lessons that Empower Self- Confidence
Overcoming Insecurities. Your journey to self-acceptance begins by confronting and conquering your fears.
The Power of Support. Lean on your trusted circle. Their love and encouragement can be the wind beneath your wings.
Breaking Free from People-Pleasing. Your happiness and authenticity matter. Prioritize your own well-being and break free from the chains of people-pleasing.
The Impact of Personal Appearance. Your hair and appearance are a part of your identity. Embrace the beauty in your uniqueness.
Dismantling Gender Stereotypes. Challenge societal expectations surrounding hair and appearance. Be the change you wish to see.
The Healing Power of Stories. Inspire others to confront their own struggles by sharing your own journey. Your story can heal and empower.
Embrace Vulnerability for Personal Growth. Ignite the flames of grit and embrace your personal journey. Together, we grow stronger.
Hair Stereotypes
We've got to stop it. The stigma of female hair loss where men can show up bald and lose their hair and it's no big deal. It's like an everyday conversation, but women, it's like whispering and what's wrong with her? Is she sick? No, we just have the same problem men do. It's just men who have it at a more rapid rate and a more common rate and you see it more. Women don't admit to it. And so I did, I came out on social media and I showed a picture of me without my powder in with wet hair. So you could see really how much of my scalp was showing and a picture of me with my new hair piece. And it changed my life. Literally in that moment changed my life because what I've realized through this process is people want to see vulnerability. People want to see authenticity. And when they see it, they know it.
Sense of Identity
You become so much more relatable. You become so much more approachable, and people are just compelled to work with you, be with you, and want to be part of your world.
Now I've made it my mission to speak and inspire women across the world that you can do this too. It's not just women; men have stories too, right? Men have things they're hiding behind too. So that's my journey. That's why I'm here.
I'm now obsessed. I have five pieces. They all have names. They all have personalities. I love it. I absolutely love this version of me. I believe there are a lot of people out there that can relate to this in one way or another. I know that for women, there is a sense of identity with our hair. It is part of our identity.
I believe it is with men too, because my husband is bald, and when people ask him, "When did you start losing your hair?" His response is, "You know, God's only made so many perfect heads, and the rest of them have hair." I remember I met him with hair. I remember when it started to fall out, and it was tough. It was part of his identity. Yes, it is more acceptable for men than it is for women, but both men and women, hair can be a part of their identity.
Professional People-Pleaser
I've heard so many stories where people are tired of showing up as the person that they think they need to be to accomplish the goal in front of them, the appointment or the person they're talking to, right? We can also call that people-pleasing, and I was a professional people-pleaser, so I can relate. What I've learned is there are so many people that are not driving the car they want to drive, not wearing the outfit they want to wear, not exposing that they have tattoos because they're afraid the people in front of them won't like that, not exposing that they have vitiligo, that they have birthmarks. I also have a birthmark that I hid behind for years. That's a whole nother story.
But I came out at the same time with this because my girlfriends were like, you know what, if you're going to talk about the hair, you might as well be transparent about the face. And I did. And I wowed everybody that I'd been hiding behind this birthmark that I've had since birth. Like, it's not my fault it happened. I've had it since birth, right? But I was so ashamed of it.
Vulnerability to Authenticity
It's not just that you have to have a hair story. It's not even that you have to have something significantly wrong with you, because some people, quite frankly, I wouldn't say are perfect, but don't have skin issues, don't have hair issues, aren't missing any limbs, don't have marks on their bodies.
There are some people out there, trust me, I used to compare myself to them for years. They look perfect, but it doesn't mean that they're not hiding behind who they really want to be. That's what I've uncovered through this authenticity journey.
This idea of authentic confidence is you're not showing up as who you know you're best designed to be. And that can be in any aspect of your life. The moment you decide to just do you, like you do you, boo, that's always my favorite thing now, right? The second you decide that you're going to wear jeans on a professional appointment because you look good in jeans and this is your style and people love you for it, who cares?
Because when you show up as you are authentically designed to be, you are a different person. You do show up differently. You show up more confidently. You show up more proud of who you are, and people know it the second they see it. They know it the second. I've had so many people tell me that you're so much more confident now.
What I always say to them is I didn't put this hair on my head and become confident overnight. That's not reality. But what happened was I decided to just be me. The second I decided to just be me, yes, I did become more confident in their eyes. But that little girl was always inside of me, right? I 100 percent agree with you, vulnerability is the key to authenticity because I spent so much of my career and my life hiding behind this guard and would put this outward perception that I have it all together, and in reality, I was feeling unfulfilled. I was feeling lost. I was insecure. I had a lot of self-doubt, and it wasn't until I learned to put the guard down and share my story where it was a sigh of relief. It was as if these boulders were sitting on me. And then when I started to be vulnerable and share my story, those boulders just started to come off, and it was a sigh of relief. It felt like I had oxygen breathed into me, and I found that through being vulnerable and authentic confidence started to build. Yes. It is something that you don't even know you have in you until you do it.
Like there's a version of me now that I'm like, dang, I'm pretty darn cool, and I'm not afraid to say it. I never would have said that three years ago. And there's thoughts that I used to think like, what if I could do this? What if I could be a keynote speaker and speak all over the world and inspire people from the stage? Because it's my favorite thing to do.
What if I could not leave my real estate career behind because I come from the real estate space, but what if I could do both? What if I could run my brokerage at home, have my husband handle our sales business with our clients? And then I get to go do this passion that I love, and guess what? I'm doing it now, and I can guarantee you I would not have done that three years ago before I put this hair on my head. And now I can.
It's like you get to peel down these layers of this onion that you don't realize you've been holding back. It's like you don't even know what you're holding back till you really let yourself dream and be you. Vulnerability is the key aspect of it.
How Vulnerability Builds Strong Relationships
I love social media. I love building relationships on social media and meeting new people. People are always like, you share everything. I'm like, I make you think I share everything, but I don't. And that's the cool thing about vulnerability is you get to decide what you're vulnerable about. You get to decide when you say it. You get to decide when you are transparent about it. And it's really an incredible experience.
Let's break this misconception here that vulnerability is airing out all of your dirty laundry. Vulnerability is not airing out your dirty laundry. Vulnerability is letting down the guard, letting people connect with you on a deeper level, building a relationship with this person, supporting each other, and being authentic. Vulnerability is you choosing who you let deeper into your life. It's leaning on a friend, telling them, "Hey, I'm having a hard time. I'm having a bad day." It's showing up on social media without my hair on some days, without my makeup on, just showing people that I'm real and I have a real life, but you get to choose the level of what you do that.
Difference between Being Private and Personal
Personal is sharing who you are, the fun things about you, the quirky things about you, what you like to drink, what you like to eat. All the things about you.
Private is the conversation you had at the table. That doesn't get shared. You get to define those boundaries. But if you show up as this perfect person who never has a bad day, who always has her hair and makeup done, and never admits that they made a mistake, or they're not feeling well, or they're tired, that's not being transparent, authentic, and vulnerable. It's really letting people into a different level, and you get to define what that level is. That's the one thing I always want to make sure I make clear.
Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability
I may do it more or differently than you, and that's okay. As long as you're being you. Okay, so I struggle with an area on social media here, because there is an element where sometimes people will criticize or I hear the criticism of, "Well, you're always put together, and you know what I am, and whether I see people or not, that me getting ready every single day, putting hair and makeup on is authentic to me." Absolutely, it is authentic to me because I do it for myself. And so some people criticize, "You're always put together," and they see it, and it almost feels like it's a negative thing, but that is authentic to me.
And at the same time, I also acknowledge that there is a little bit of a fear deep down inside to reveal this vulnerable look of no makeup and not having my hair done. And I know that that stems deep, deep inside from my childhood and being teased, being called four eyes and cross side and being told by one kid, "body of a goddess, face from hell." That's what he told me. Oh, it was horrible. It was turning to mean adults. He's probably a mean adult now too, probably. And then you go into the high school years, and I had acne all over my face and my back.
So there's also, I recognize that there's still probably a guard up and a little fear of being vulnerable because of that deep pain inside. Girl, I hear you, I feel you, I lived you. I was a very overweight child. I was fat. I'm just going to say I was fat. My friends are like, "You weren't that big." I'm like, go look back at the pictures, people. I was a big girl. had a birthmark on my face that I could not cover up.
It's a bright red port wine stain birthmark. If you've ever seen that before, it's bright and it's red. And at eight years old, you don't wear makeup to cover it up. My son has one. got an angioma right on his head and it was raised. Yeah, thankfully mine did not progress to that, thank God, but you know what I'm talking about. I had glasses. I wore glasses. And I had braces. And I had really, really, really thick, yes I did have a ton of hair before, and it was frizzy. And my mom didn't know how to make it look cute. So I wasn't an ugly child, because that's terrible to say about yourself. I can't say I was an ugly duckling.
I was a target for the mean kids, but what I will say to you, Danielle, is I carried that with me into adulthood too, a thousand percent. It's why I used to wear makeup to go to the river. We'd go to the river and I'd put makeup on in front of my husband and his family. Like, come on. And it's just because I was so uncomfortable. And what it comes from is fear. It comes from judgment. It comes from comparing ourselves to others who look different than you. And those are the things that I had to get over. But here's what helped me. And I don't know if this is going to help you, but by having this hair journey, by coming out publicly on social media, by deciding, you know what?
People know that my hair looks different underneath than it does on top. And also I became an advocate and influencer for my hair company. So I create content for them. I'm an ambassador for them to inspire other women.
And so in that context, I have to show up without my hair on sometimes so that they can understand that I really do have a hair problem. And this isn't just like a model that's putting on a wig. Like I am paid to show that I've got this issue, and so that women can relate. And so once I started doing that, what helped me was the feedback I got from others.
Showing Up Authentically
What helped me was that people, hand over fist, the messages on social media of love and support from people I hadn't heard from in years, the amount of appointments that my husband will go on to our past clients in the real estate space. And they'll be like, Oh my God. Barb is so inspiring. She inspired me to do X. She inspired me to finally admit that I've got to get this weight off. She inspired me to finally get the procedure on my face done to remove the mark that's been bothering me. Those messages... inspire me to show up without the hair and makeup on because I know it's helping others.
For me, if I'm helping others, that's why I love to keynote. You know that, right? When you step on stage, do you not love the fact that you watch people's faces transform in the audience? Like you watch them from like, I wonder what this girl's going to say. And all of a sudden by the end, they're feverishly writing down notes and they're mesmerized by you. I've got goosebumps all the way up and down my arms because I, and then I vision this exactly. This is exactly how I feel when I'm on stage and I see these faces light up and they're taking notes. It is the most rewarding experience when you get to be part of that transformation.
I never envisioned that I would actually show up on social media without hair and makeup on. I knew I wanted to come out publicly, but I did a post. I posted two pictures. I didn't come on social media without my hair on day one. That developed over time, Danielle, because of the feedback I got. And I'm like, you know what? If someone's got to inspire the world to show up differently, then maybe that's what I was put on this earth to do, is to help other women and men. I used to think it was just about women, and I told my story at a table one day at a group I'm a part of, and one of the guys, his name's Ed, started crying. And he was like, you don't understand, this isn't just about women. You're changing my life.
Telling your story right now, too. I've got something I need to talk about. I've also learned, Danielle, sometimes it's about alcoholism. Sometimes it's about gambling. Sometimes it's about addictions and vices. You know, many messages I got privately after I shared this about people admitting to me that they had these vices that are not healthy, that are detrimental to their family, and they were finally going to get help because they were finally ready to admit they had a problem.
So that's why I always say, what's your hair story? Everyone has one. And maybe it's just that you're tired of not dressing the way you want to dress. That you're tired of the job you're in because you know you really want to be doing something else, but it's not popular. Like you want to leave your teaching career because you're tired of it, but you're afraid to tell everybody that you hate teaching. Like it can be anything, and nothing against teachers out there.
All my best friends are teachers, which is probably why I just mentioned teaching. Because I hear about it all the time. So I really think my encouragement to you is baby steps. And maybe one day, I don't know if you work out, maybe one day it's you just do a quick video of you running, or on your treadmill, or your Peloton, like I ride the Peloton every day. So I would say just baby steps, but people are going, I'm going to accept this invitation. So for the listeners out there, I'm going to accept this invitation. And when this episode airs. I am going to go on social media and as uncomfortable as this is going to be, I'm going to come on no makeup, hair not done, authentic me. And I am going to show up and say, "Hey, this is what I look like underneath all the makeup and the hair, everything else that I do."
And this is really scary. And this is why it's scary for me. I didn't share this story before, but this is also another area where I received a lot of criticism for social media and ended up hiding for several months and shutting my social media down. I had a colleague a couple of years ago that I was working with and it was during the time when Tik Tok started to get really popular and everybody was making these funny videos. And it was during the pandemic and I was like, well, there's nothing else better to do. This is actually kind of brightening my day.
Yeah. And so I was making these videos In a couple videos, I had my workout clothes on, so I was wearing a crop top, workout top, and, leggings, and it was when I was walking a lot, and I was actually really proud of my body because I was starting to get a six pack, and I was excited, and I remember hearing from another colleague saying, "Hey, I don't know how you're going to take this, or whether it's worth sharing, but there is somebody in the company that is really spreading hate about your social media and saying that it's inappropriate that you're posting this content and it's unprofessional and I don't know what you want to do with the information but I'm sharing it with you." And I just was devastated because doing these TikTok videos was a lot of fun to me.
It was silly stuff that my husband and I were doing. The world was shut down. And I remember getting to the point where all I wanted to do was hide. And so I shut my social media down for three months, completely down. And so there's this element of not only the childhood scars, but also this was only a couple years ago. But I'm going to take on this invitation and I'm going to show up.
So for those of you listening, I'm so proud of you, and I'm going to hold you accountable to that, and, I will say something that has really, I've really grown in life, and I think some of this is just getting older, right, quite frankly, but, the only opinion, so what I've done is two things in my life, I've really created the mantra of the only opinion that matters is my own, of myself, because no one else knows your intention, your character, what you're going through, what you're walking through in that moment of life, but I also have created a space for a super small circle of people that also can give me their opinion and I will listen and I know it comes from a place of love and that person that gave that opinion should not be in your inner circle.
So I'm going to show them what I'm wearing. Because I get compliments on it all the time. And if you don't like it, I always say tap on by. Tap on by. Just go by. but I will tell you, Danielle, all of this courage I'm talking about, all this grit I'm talking about, it all started with taking off the gosh-darn mask of hair loss. That's where it all started.
Join the Movement: Post Your Most Authentic Self
I was not this person three years ago. I overthought everything. If someone told me what they told you, I would have shut down for three months too. I might have just shut down my whole social media completely. I would have been mortified. And I finally just said, I don't care anymore.
You created this movement which I believe is very inspiring. And what would it look like if we created a movement from this episode and continued what you are creating right now?
So our invitation to the listeners Danielle and Barb are going to show up on social media. No makeup, hair not done, I'm going to show up, and you get to see the real authentic me. We invite you to do the same so go on social media.
Once you hear this episode, whatever your authentic self is, maybe you're hiding something. Maybe it's a birthmark. Maybe it's that your hair, you're starting different hair patterns that you have. Maybe you've just never shown up without makeup. So if you're listening, our invitation to you to continue this movement to show up on social media and to tag Barb and I in that post. We will also create this movement together and I'll share it in my stories and let's inspire others to do the same.
Authentically and promote this episode. So everyone follows along and, and, and goes on their own and your journey is going to be yours. Everyone's journey is different. That's what I want everyone to know in life is my journey is not your journey, but your journey is you. And that's why it's special.
