How to Break Free From Self-Criticism with TEDx Speaker, Ruth Rathblott
Episode 137
Have you ever felt you had to hide part of yourself to fit in? Do you wish you could be part of an inclusive community where people feel seen and heard and different experiences and perspectives are valued?
In this episode, author and TEDx speaker Ruth Rathblott, expands the definition of diversity to be fully inclusive. Ruth shares her inspiring story of hiding a part of herself for 25 years due to a limb difference and the defining moment that led her to stop hiding and embrace her authentic self. We discuss the universal experience of hiding, the impact it has on our lives, and the journey to unhide and build an authentic self in an inclusive workplace. Get ready for a thought-provoking conversation that will challenge you to think about yourself, your team, and the people in your life in a new light.
After this Episode, You Will Be Able to ...
Break free from self-criticism and hiding
Step into your true potential
Build deep connections with vulnerability
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About the guest:
Ruth Rathblott was born with a limb difference. In her compelling and intimate memoir and TED talk, she recounts the exhausting and often lonely years she spent overachieving and trying to hide her disability before she learned to unhide. She takes us on a journey of self-discovery: discovering her difference, being taught to hide it, and ultimately finding self-acceptance and connection with others.
Connect with Ruth Rathblott
LinkedIn Page Link: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ruth-rathblott/
Instagram Page Link: https://www.instagram.com/ruthrath/
Facebook Page Link: https://www.facebook.com/ruth.rathblott/
Website: ruthrathblott.com
About the host:
Danielle Cobo is an international female speaker for organizations, associations, and the public sector. She works with audiences to harness the grit and resilience to lead through change.
With over 15 years of corporate experience in the medical sales industry, she knows how to build high-performing teams that increase sales, productivity, and employee retention. Her expertise includes corporate resilience and burnout prevention.
Danielle is the author of “Unstoppable Grit: Breakthrough the 7 Roadblocks Standing Between You and Achieving Your Goals” and hosts the globally top-rated podcast "Unstoppable Grit Podcast with Danielle Cobo.”
As a former Fortune 500 Senior Sales Manager, she led her team through downsizing, restructuring, and acquisitions to become the #1 sales team in the nation. As a result, she was awarded Region Manager of the Year. Her resiliency motivated her to earn four consecutive national Sales Excellence Awards in a male-dominated industry.
While her husband, a Blackhawk pilot in the Army, deployed to Iraq for a year, Danielle learned to balance a demanding job while caring for their energetic 1.5-year-old twin boys, who possess more energy than a squirrel after a triple espresso.
Danielle’s resilience led her to start her own business, helping others develop the grit, resilience, and courage to thrive in life and business.
Her tenacious attitude stems from being raised by an ambitious mother and recovering from being taken from her father and cast out at 17 years of age.
She is a two-time 60-mile walker and a monster truck driver in Louboutin’s.
Danielle has a bachelor’s in communication with a minor in psychology from the California State University of Fullerton, Certification in Inclusive and Ethical Leadership from the University of South Florida Muma College of Business, and accreditation in Human Behavior from Personality Insights. Inc., and Leadership from Boston Breakthrough Academy.
She is a member of the National Speakers Association, the Central Florida National Speakers Association Chapter, Innovation Women, and a former member of Working Women of Tampa Bay. Danielle serves on the Military Advisory, Workforce Development, and Women of Influence Committees of the Tampa Chamber of Commerce. She is also a contributing writer for Women's Quarterly Magazine.
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The Unstoppable Grit Podcast with Danielle Cobo explores the journeys of people who have overcome adversity and harnessed the grit and resilience to thrive in all areas of their lives, Guests share how they overcame difficult times - the strategies, mindset shifts, lessons they learned along the way, and actions that propelled them forward. From navigating career setbacks to overcoming personal obstacles, each episode is a testament to grit and resilience.
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Have you ever felt that you have to hide a part of yourself to fit in? Do you think that anyone you know might as well? Perhaps you wish that you could be a part of an inclusive community where people can feel seen and heard and different experiences and perspectives are valued. If you said yes to any of these, then you're in the right place.
Hiding as a Teenager
I started exploring it and had to look back at where all this started for me because as you said in the intro, hid for a really long time. I hid my limb difference. I was born with a limb difference and at the age of 13, I started hiding it and I hid it for 25 years. I hid it in every aspect of my life, from my personal life, in terms of friendships and relationships.
I hid it in the workplace in terms of being an employee and in terms of being a leader. And. I'll get into the defining experience, but I think it's a lot of pain and what I can say is hiding is exhausting and it's lonely. and again, we think we're the only ones hiding, so we don't even think to find solutions to it necessarily until it gets to that place where it's almost like you're burning out. you don't know what else you can do. That journey of hiding was the part I had to look at first is I had to acknowledge it to myself that I was hiding and how it was holding me back and how I wasn't thriving when I was hiding.
Eyeglasses Insecurity
You said something about the age that you started to hide and I believe that many of us have had those defining moments in our childhood and our teenage years where we take this moment and say even been teased or been commented on, and that insecurity it just It starts and then it grows and snowballs from there. And when you were saying that I'm going to hide, I'm thinking back to a moment that I had when I was younger, where I wore these Coke bottle glasses. I could not see. And I remember kids throwing my glasses down the school bus and then stomping on them and just completely breaking them to the point where I couldn't see and being in tears. It was from that moment forward once I could get contacts, I never wore glasses in front of anybody because it was just that fear of not being pretty and that fear of not being viewed as weak or just that insecurity. I believe that many of us can really relate to your story and whether we have a disability or not, but there's an element of something that happened in our past that created that.
Hiding a lot does snowball. It's a lot like lying. The more that we hide, the harder it is to stop hiding. And some of your listeners may relate to this too as they'll share that they hide their age. They hide their financial backgrounds. They hide their religion. They hide their family backgrounds. So in addition to disability, both the visible like mine, and invisible disabilities, like mental health, you know, depression, bipolar, anxiety. And neurodiversity space of ADHD and autism, even dyslexia people hide those things. In addition to that, people are hiding other parts of themselves, whether it be a scar, whether it be, physical scars, or just something about their background. And again, it keeps us disconnected from ourselves and from others.
Limb Difference
What's amazing is there wasn't an accident when it started for me as a teenager, I was going to a new school. Like many people, they start a new high school. My high school happened to have the middle schools and the elementary schools all pouring into one.
So I was heading to this new school. It was huge. And I remember waiting at the bottom of my driveway for that yellow school bus to even come pick me up. And I remember being excited, but also nervous. Who was I going to meet? And as you described with your glasses, like people check each other out, they want to say, “Am I going to like that person?” Do I like what they're wearing? That's adolescence. we want to fit in. And I got on that yellow school bus. And as we were checking each other out, someone stared just a little too long at my hand. And I immediately impulsively just tucked it into my left pocket.
I had never done that before, Danielle. Like that was not my routine. I don't even know where I got the message that I should do that, but it was so instinctive and protective of myself that I tucked it in thinking it was just going to be for that bus ride to school. And then I got to school and I said, well, I'll just keep hiding it, because I want to make friends. Cause I somehow got a message like if you're different, you're not going to make friends.
Draining to be Different
That first day ended up being the first week I kept hiding it. It was so buried down deep. It was almost glued there. And that first week turned into that first year.
And I think with hiding, there's also a sense of, just like your glasses. I need to put my glasses on. Like I need to see, I need to take my handout. I need to do a gym class. I need to carry my books. but I couldn't, I didn't know how to stop the hiding. And I think that's also what happens is many of us don't know how to stop hiding. And so what happens then is we keep hiding, even and we almost beat ourselves up a little because I should stop hiding. I should get out of this pattern And I even went to college thinking I'm gonna be somebody new there.
Nobody's gonna know me. I'm gonna start fresh and I didn't know how to stop hiding and it was absolutely exhausting and lonely and every time I tried I kept beating myself up being like, you can't do it now. Someone will think it's awful. Someone will think it's disgusting. Someone will say something and you're making friends.
If people know they won't like you, honestly at the end of the day, they won't think you're attractive. They'll think you're ugly. So keep it hidden because if they know they'll judge you.
To live a life feeling like you've just got to hide and cannot be able to show up as yourself, as you said, very draining, very draining. It's exhausting. It's all you think about. Like becomes almost like you're constantly worried and figuring out how you're not going to be found out.
It's a little bit like a magician, right? Cause it's constantly trying to figure things out. It definitely has a creative aspect to it. And I personally thought of it a little bit like a con artist, like always trying to not share that part of myself because people wouldn't want to know that, so trying to figure it out so that people couldn't find out. I got really, really good at it. To hide for that long, I would imagine you've pretty much mastered it, but not necessarily something that would be beneficial to master when in return, it's burning you out. It's exhausting, it's consuming a lot of time.
Unveiling True Self
It was a lot of trials and effort, in the beginning in terms of just stopping and starting, like trying to unhide it, trying to stop doing that, and even going to therapy about it, journaling about it, failing relationships about it, saying it to someone out loud, almost hanging up the phone on them when I would tell someone about it, and waiting for them accept me.
The 4 Actionable Steps to Unhide Your True Self
Embrace Authenticity and Self-Appreciation. Recognize that your unique experiences, challenges, and qualities shape the beautiful tapestry of your identity. This path involves acknowledging and appreciating your true self, even in moments of self-doubt and uncertainty.
Extend a Welcoming Hand. Seek out someone who embodies empathy, compassion, and understanding. This individual can be a close friend, family member, or mentor.
Build Bonds with a Like-Minded Community. Embrace the power of connection by actively seeking a like-minded community. The internet offers a wealth of resources and groups where you can find your tribe.
Inspire Through Sharing. Your story is a beacon of inspiration. Share it with the world, starting with those closest to you and gradually expanding your reach. Remember that sharing your experiences creates a ripple effect of courage and authenticity in the lives of others.
Acknowledging and Appreciating
What I had to get to a place of was acknowledging that I was indeed hiding and that it was holding me back specifically for me in dating relationships. And I had to learn to invite someone in. And I really made my best decision when I met someone who kind of had all of the characteristics of empathy and listening and understood the difference actually.
Thought about hand differences in his own life, and my best decision was I had gotten so exhausted and so tired of failed relationships that I had to try something different. The different piece for me was inviting someone in to teach me how to love my hand because I couldn't do it by myself. I had done everything by myself, single-handedly my whole life.
Inviting Someone In
So to invite someone in was tough and it required trust. and it was the right person. and so it was about inviting someone in. And they literally showed me how, and I know when people say literally, they don't always mean it, but this time we do literally take my hand out of my pocket and look at it and touch it, Danielle.
I had never actually touched my hand before it'd been buried so deep in my pocket. I didn't allow anyone to touch it. That was not part of the routine. And so letting this person also touch it, but I had to touch it. I had to look at it. I had to realize that. In the winter it got frostbite.
I didn't know how to take care of it. And I think sometimes we do that with ourselves if we don't take care of those parts of ourselves that we hold shame around. So sometimes it requires and I would argue it often requires letting someone in to show us how to love those parts.
I would agree with you a lot when it comes to letting people in, because putting the wall up, putting the guard up, and hiding does not serve us in life. it's letting people see something in themselves that we don't see in ourselves. So if we're in a situation where we feel like we're hiding or just open the doors just a little bit to let somebody in, to let somebody see the beauty, the confidence. The unique qualities about us that maybe we don't see in ourselves help build us up until we start to see it in ourselves. It can help you start to change the way you see yourself. And when that started happening, I started letting more people in.
Building an Inclusive Community
I actually looked for people with disabilities for the first time because I had spent my life, those 25 years with blinders on. I remember a friend of mine. We were out one night and she saw someone playing pool with one hand and she said, Oh, do you want to go talk to him? And I'm like, no, there's no way I want to talk to him.
I don't want to associate with it. I don't want to be connected to it. And yet when I started to accept that part of myself and learn to love that part, I started to crave that shared experience, the understanding because of Danielle. I thought I invented hiding, I thought I was the only one doing it and that I invented it.
When I met others with disabilities, especially in the limb-difference community, I realized I wasn't alone and that there was this whole community of people to connect with. And the beauty of the internet is that you can find people like you can find and build your community just by searching words.
That's how I found it. The group of people with limb differences that I connected with is just through a search and someone saying, Hey, do you know about this group? No. I didn't. and so that building of community, it's really those become the first three steps in this idea of how do you learn to unhide when you say what's that moment?
It's a series of moments. It's about acknowledging how it's holding you back and that you're holding back. It's about inviting someone in. That's step two is how do you invite someone in. Some of your listeners when I say that, and when we've talked just now about it, somebody pops into their mind: a trusted friend, coworker, somebody in their company or in their community that they can trust with something. It doesn't have to be on a platform where you go on a podcast and talk about it. It can just be one person to start.
Then start to build your community, starting to find other people who have that shared experience. That's the third step.
Sharing Story
The fourth step is sharing your experience. And again, it doesn't have to be on a podcast. It can just be with several people. I met a young woman recently who told me that she shared her anxiety at a retreat and she was not even sure she should share it. She wasn't sure.
And someone came up to her after and said, by sharing your story of anxiety, it allowed me to share my story of ADHD. We see each other in other people's stories. And we see ourselves in other people's stories.
That's such a great message to share with people to really open up and share your story and, start with, you've typically been hiding, whatever it is that you're hiding, but to open up and at least just to one person, somebody that you trust that loves you, that's going to create that safe space for you to just open up and share whatever that is.
It could be a fear that you have. It could be a disability. It could be just something that you're struggling with, but to talk to somebody openly and honestly about it and have that person support you is the first step. Expanding out from there. And I don't know about you and your experience.
If you found this, but when I was recovering from postpartum and I remember First, having one conversation with one person and I remember it was my neighbor at the time. We had kind of talked in passing, Hey neighbor, how's it doing? How are you? But I remember the moment when I needed to be driven to the hospital.
I was so dehydrated from just not taking care of myself. I need to be driven to the hospital. My husband needed to stay home with my kids and I called my neighbor, but it was that defining moment of asking for help that completely changed our relationship. This woman sat next to me for a week straight every single day and took care of me while I was on the road to recovery and that connection and that friendship will last forever.
Enjoying Freedom of Real Connection
When you started having those conversations, do you feel like that's where the real friendships were fostered?
I think there are two things that happen.
The first is when you share part of yourself with someone, they can start to relax with themselves. You're perfect, but you're not perfect because you're not hiding anymore. So there's an exhale that happens and people's shoulders drop when I have found that I've shared out and people have told me this happens to them too is when you share out something, it's a relief, like it's letting the oxygen out. It feels good.
The second piece is unhiding is the key to connection because when we can actually unhide. We find ourselves connecting to ourselves, so we're actually present and we can then be present with others because when we're hiding, we spend so much time preoccupied with the thing that we don't want anyone to find out that we're actually not present and we're not connected.
We may be great and show up on the phone, or we may show up in person, but if we're not actually unhiding, we can't really be there for other people in the same way. We could do a good job trying, but we can't. I think the reason I wanted to connect with you and talk with you is because I think that's what real grit is about. When we're willing to face some of the things that are holding us back and then find a path toward the next level of what I call freedom. It's truly freeing to unhide.
Yeah, that is great! The willingness to unhide and to step into your power and to connect with people by releasing that guard.
And to feel seen and to feel heard and to feel like you belong. and that's the greatest gift that We can give ourselves and that we can give to others because even if I imagine some of the people listening are saying, well, I'm not hiding anything.
That's great. Then you can be there and that friend that drives you to the hospital that helps the other person unhide because that's how it works because this becomes a loop like those four steps by me sharing my story. It helps somebody else think about what they're hiding so they can do the same steps and help someone else hide.
Three profound insights that will shift your mindset on self-criticism
Hiding is universal: We, as a diverse community, often find ourselves concealing parts of who we are, whether it's a visible or invisible disability, our age, financial background, religion, or any other aspect of our identity. Recognizing that we are not alone in this struggle unites us, empowering us all.
Hiding is exhausting and lonely: The burden of holding onto shame and the fear of judgment can weigh heavily on our collective well-being. Together, we acknowledge the toll that hiding takes on us, and we are committed to breaking free from this cycle.
Finding the courage to unhide: Our journey toward overcoming the fear of judgment and embracing our authentic selves is a shared endeavor, one that requires time and self-compassion. It's never too late for any of us to start showing up as our true selves and to create a more inclusive environment for ourselves and those around us.
