From Tragedy to Purpose with Melanie Gareau
Episode 134
Today's conversation is one we've never had before, but one that is more important than ever.
In a time when unprecedented challenges are testing our mental health, how can we support each other, especially when someone we know—a friend, family member, or colleague—is going through an intensely difficult period?
Today’s guest is the author of “Why Me, What Now?” Melanie Gareau turned two tragic life-changing experiences into a guide for all of us to better understand mental health, especially in the context of tragedy and loss. Our discussion aims to equip you with the tools to have deeply sensitive conversations, whether helping someone cope with the loss of a loved one or aiding someone struggling with depression.
After this Episode, You Will Be Able to ...
Create a safe space for deeply sensitive conversations
Practice emotional support self-care
Understand when to involve mental health professionals
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About the guest:
Melanie Gareau is the author of "Why Me? What Now?"
Connect with Melanie Gareau
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Website: https://melaniegareau.ca
About the host:
Danielle Cobo is an international female speaker for organizations, associations, and the public sector. She works with audiences to harness the grit and resilience to lead through change.
With over 15 years of corporate experience in the medical sales industry, she knows how to build high-performing teams that increase sales, productivity, and employee retention. Her expertise includes corporate resilience and burnout prevention.
Danielle is the author of “Unstoppable Grit: Breakthrough the 7 Roadblocks Standing Between You and Achieving Your Goals” and hosts the globally top-rated podcast "Unstoppable Grit Podcast with Danielle Cobo.”
As a former Fortune 500 Senior Sales Manager, she led her team through downsizing, restructuring, and acquisitions to become the #1 sales team in the nation. As a result, she was awarded Region Manager of the Year. Her resiliency motivated her to earn four consecutive national Sales Excellence Awards in a male-dominated industry.
While her husband, a Blackhawk pilot in the Army, deployed to Iraq for a year, Danielle learned to balance a demanding job while caring for their energetic 1.5-year-old twin boys, who possess more energy than a squirrel after a triple espresso.
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She is a member of the National Speakers Association, the Central Florida National Speakers Association Chapter, Innovation Women, and a former member of Working Women of Tampa Bay. Danielle serves on the Military Advisory, Workforce Development, and Women of Influence Committees of the Tampa Chamber of Commerce. She is also a contributing writer for Women's Quarterly Magazine.
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In a time when unprecedented challenges are testing our collective mental health, how can we support each other? Especially, when someone we know, be it a friend, family member, or colleague is going through an intensely difficult period.
September is suicide prevention month, and as I have shared in previous episodes, I lost my mother to suicide in March of 2020. Today's discussion aims to equip you with the tools to have deeply sensitive conversations. Whether helping someone cope with the loss of a loved one or aiding someone struggling with depression.
Pillar of Support
I am a French Canadian. I live in the province of Saskatchewan. I have three children, ages 14, 12, and nine. I married my high school sweetheart almost 17 years ago. We just celebrated our 17-year anniversary and I'm also a new author.
My first book was published in August of this year, so that's very exciting. I started as a teacher at 22 years old and taught for about a dozen years. In 2020, I became the principal of the school and it wasn't a good fit for me. I decided to step away from it this year.
Last week, I started a new position as a consultant with the school division. I actually work from home now. It's something completely new and I'm up for the challenge.
Can you please share with our listeners what those pivotal moments were?
Coldest Winter in the School
The first one happened in 2015. I was getting ready for my school day. It was eight o'clock in the morning. I had just gotten to school. I was sitting at my desk on my computer looking at what my plan was for the day when I noticed a student pull up to the school right outside my window. I thought that was very strange but his mom worked in the school. She was the custodian at that time, and she was there already. So I thought maybe he was coming to help out with something or so. I continued doing my work and suddenly I heard what sounded like a snowball thrown at my window. It was the sound of a snowball. It was winter, so I thought maybe someone had grabbed a snowball and thrown it at my window. I kind of looked outside and I noticed the car was still there and I didn't see my student. So I continued to do my work and a couple of minutes later, someone ran into my classroom to tell me what had happened. My student had taken his life just outside my classroom window.
The rest of that day was a lot like what you see in the movies. Everything happened in slow motion, but also at high speed. It kind of felt like I didn't really know what was going on. I didn't know where I should be. This student's mother was notified of what happened right there.
Like, we had to tell her before she ran outside. I'm in a very small town, we don't have police officers or any of those services. We had to wait quite a while before anyone came. The buses arrived with the rest of the students. We had everyone in the gym to kind of keep them away from what had happened.
It was incredibly traumatic, as you can imagine for me and for a lot of other people, my students, I'll never forget the look in my students' eyes after that day 'cause they were forever changed by what had happened. The next day, I had to walk back into the school and continue life as if nothing had happened.
Not that we didn't talk about it, but we did have access to counseling if we wanted to in the couple weeks following the tragedy. I was back in front of the classroom teaching and trying to do what I could to help these students who had been through this tragic event.
The way I dealt with it, I realize now is probably not the most healthy. Ignored my feelings. I didn't let myself think about what had happened. I put myself on autopilot and I went through my days without thinking about what had happened.
A Friend’s Loss
Fast forward a few years. He wasn't a student of mine at that time, but he had been a former student. He was a little bit older in his early twenties. Took his life, died by suicide, and he was my best friend's brother. It kind of spiraled me back. I went back to what had happened in 2015 with my other student.
This time I really couldn't ignore the feelings. I decided I needed to process the feelings 'cause it was really hard. It was debilitating. It was hard for me to understand what was going on.
Journal to Acquire More Knowledge
One of the ways I decided to instead of going to therapy right away, which I should have done with one of the strategies. I used to wake up early in the morning and journal. I follow a lot of influencers. I read a lot of self-help books. I listen to a lot of podcasts, audiobooks, and everything. I'm always kind of immersed in that self-help space. I hear a lot about the benefits of journaling. I decided I would wake up before the kids and I would journal, and that's what I did for a few months. After a few months, I kept hearing that maybe I should put these thoughts into a Google Docs document so that they don't go anywhere and I can maybe do something with it.
I became very hyper-aware of how my students at school were feeling. This was a way to make sure that this kind of tragedy didn't happen again. I feel like it was a little bit unhealthy 'cause I did it so much that I was hyper-aware of what they were telling me and what they weren't telling me and what their body language was telling me.
When I journaled, I was writing to my students, the students who were left, and the students that I was teaching at that time, and lots of them would come to me with some of their challenges. I would do what I can to listen first and foremost. If they needed advice, if that's what they were looking for, I would offer whatever I had to offer.
Writing was a way for me to put my ideas and advice on paper. I started to do that and my intention was never to write a book or to publish a book. I didn't think anyone would ever see what I was writing. For an entire year, I would wake up at five o'clock in the morning and I continued to journal on the site too.
I really enjoyed journaling. I would write the things I was grateful for and some of the dreams I was trying to reach for. I continued that practice. At the end of the year, I couldn't ignore that I had something that was worth publishing, especially, since this was already the end of 2019.
Book Writing Journey
Not that I knew at that time, but with CoVid our society was heading for a mental health crisis in 2020 and 2021. I was sitting on something that could be valuable for someone and could help someone out.
I decided to publish in 2020. I started my new job. It kind of sucked out all the creative energy I had, so I found it very hard to continue to work on this book. So for two years, I ignored it. I didn't really do anything with this book, but that thought, that voice was constant. I was thinking about it daily. I felt guilty that I was not putting it out into the world. I just had no mental capacity to continue working on this book until I notified my employer last December that I would finish the year as a principal. The moment I gave my notification, everything opened up and I had that creative energy again, and I was able to publish my book a few months later.
Writing a book is no easy feat, I'm about to release my book and I can relate to the rigor and the dedication that it takes to write a book. It is at least a year's journey and there's so much that goes involved.
Ignite Transformation
What I've learned from losing my mom to suicide was that when I talk to people, there's always somebody in the room who shares that they have as well, lost somebody that they know. I remember sitting at a table with several friends and colleagues in the speaking industry, and it seemed as though every person had experienced some sort of friend, family member, or colleague who was taken by suicide. It's unfortunately a lot more prevalent than I believe that people talk about. And you nailed it on the head where it was. So often when we're struck by a tragedy in our life whether it is losing somebody that we know to suicide or a family member or an illness that has hit us in our family so often we will continue to push on and try to just focus on work.
But that does not serve us in the long run, and it's important to sit down and process our emotions so that we can heal from it. Because pushing through it does, if anything, it's what creates the burnout. It's what creates the overwhelming, underlining a lot of times anxiety that gets created by an outcome when we don't sit down and process our emotions.
We can be very good at hiding our emotions and ignoring our emotions and pushing them aside, but at some point, they're going to come up, it's all going to resurface. That's what happened to me. The second time it happened, I was majorly triggered and there were other events following.
Those suicides also triggered me and they weren't real. They weren't suicides, but other tragic events made me feel a little bit out of control. But the more I process that second suicide, I feel like I'm a lot stronger. I feel like I have a lot more understanding of what it’s like.
10 Ways to Ignite Transformation After Tragedy
Acknowledge Your Emotions
Ignoring or suppressing your emotions only leads to them surfacing unexpectedly, often at inopportune times. Be mindful of what you're feeling.
Reach Out for Help
No one can solve all their problems alone. Whether it's a counselor, a friend, or a supportive community, it's okay to ask for help.
Listen First, Then Advise
Sometimes people aren't looking for solutions; they just need a sympathetic ear. If you're in a position to help someone, listen actively and fully before offering advice.
Create a Safe Space
Be it at work, home, or in relationships, people are more likely to open up about their struggles if they feel safe doing so.
Adopt Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Whether it's journaling, physical activity, or simply talking it out, finding a healthy way to cope with stress is essential for long-term well-being.
Prioritize Mental Health
Both your stories highlight the mental health crisis that is often swept under the rug. Actively make mental health a priority—both yours and those around you.
Empathy Over Solutions
In trying to help others, especially in a leadership role, showing that you understand and share their feelings can sometimes be more powerful than providing solutions.
Knowledge Is Power
Understanding the challenges you or others face, be it depression, anxiety, or suicidal tendencies, equips you to deal with them more effectively.
Balance Professional and Personal Care
Burnout isn't just a professional risk; it also compromises your ability to care for yourself and for those around you. Striking a balance is key.
Life Is Fluid, Be Adaptable
Circumstances and emotions are always changing. Being rigid in your plans or beliefs can make navigating life's complexities far more challenging.
Managing Difficult Conversations
What advice would you give to somebody? Who could be there as a colleague, as a leader, as a friend, what advice would you share for those individuals if they know somebody who's going through challenges in their life?
My advice is very, very simple. I think the best thing we can do is just listen when someone is going through something difficult. It's not necessary for us to have the answer. It's not necessary for us to have the right thing to say or the right thing to do. I think people just want to be heard. People want to be understood. They want to feel supported.
When someone is going through something difficult. They're not necessarily looking for you to have the answer, for you to have the solution, or for you to solve the problem. Sometimes, they want a safe space to talk about it and to be understood. And that's kind of the approach I had with my students when I worked with them. They want to be able to tell someone.
If someone is, is having suicidal thoughts, that advice is definitely different. I would definitely follow a different procedure, different protocol.
And even asking the question what does support look like for you? Because there, there have been times when I was in a leadership role and I was leading a team. I've had people on my team who have experienced anxiety attacks whom I have sat in the hospital next to as they were having an anxiety attack, and also people who have obviously lost family members. And as you mentioned, a lot of that time is whether you support somebody, in a leadership role, as an immediate colleague, or even as a friend, sitting and listening to them and letting them know that you are there to support them. It's not always about having the answers, it is about showing them empathy and that you care. That they matter.
When it comes to someone having those suicidal thoughts, there's obviously going to be a different approach in making sure that they have the right psychiatric help and counseling and getting them involved. And for those of you that are listening right there, if you know somebody or if you are experiencing it yourself a lot of organizations do offer what's called the employee assistance program and a lot of organizations do offer where. Through this employee assistance program, they will offer either three to six or even more free counseling sessions. It doesn't even come out of your deductible, and it's so helpful to be able to talk with a professional who can provide some guidance in addition to the people who are close to you in your life.
I want it to be something normal to talk about at the dinner table with your kids so that if you are someone who is struggling with their mental health, they know that they should go get help. It's something that unfortunately we don't talk about enough.
Here are some tips on how to approach someone who is dealing with depression:
Be Non-Judgmental and Open-Minded: Before you approach someone with depression, it's important to put yourself in a non-judgmental and open-minded frame of mind. Depression is a medical condition, not a sign of weakness or a flaw in character. Your role is not to "fix" them but to offer support and understanding.
Choose the Right Time and Place: Timing and setting are critical when approaching sensitive topics. Choose a moment when both you and the other person have time to talk, and a location that is private and comfortable. This ensures that the person feels safe and is more likely to open up about their feelings.
Use "I" Statements: When expressing concern, it's helpful to use "I" statements to avoid making the other person feel defensive or misunderstood. For instance, saying "I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and I'm concerned" is more helpful than saying "You've been acting depressed."
Ask Open-Ended Questions: When talking to someone about their depression, try to ask open-ended questions that encourage them to share more about what they're going through. Instead of asking yes-or-no questions like "Are you okay?", you might ask "How have you been feeling lately?" This kind of questioning encourages a more meaningful dialogue.
Offer Support, Not Solutions: While it's natural to want to offer solutions to someone who's struggling, your role is to be supportive rather than to solve their problems for them. Offering to help find professional assistance, such as a therapist or counselor, can be beneficial. But remember, the decision ultimately lies with them. Reiterate that you're there for support no matter what they choose to do.
Always encourage the person to seek professional help for their symptoms. You are not a substitute for proper medical advice and treatment. If someone's condition is severe, particularly if they express suicidal thoughts, seek immediate professional assistance.
Mental Health for Working Individuals
I kind of live by this philosophy that sometimes our pain becomes our purpose. Our mess becomes our message.
You and I have both experienced tragedy in our lives, which has then transitioned into having a purpose and sharing this message in hopes of saving the lives of other people. a lot of times people will not talk about the challenges that they're going through, especially in a work capacity because they fear that it might affect their job.
For a leader, it's important that you create a psychologically safe environment for people to be vulnerable, and authentic, because the best way to support your employees. To be the best versions of themselves is to create a psychologically safe environment for them to share their feelings and for you to be able to provide the resources that are going to support them, whether that is just being a listening ear.
It could be offering the employee assistance program. It could be sometimes a medical leave, but having somebody who's going through challenges in the sense of where they might be having those suicidal thoughts or they're not in the right emotional state that they would be, they're not going to be productive and the best thing to do is to support them, to help them get on back on track.
Pushing through and working harder is not the answer.
I just listened to your podcast about that, she worked with Human Resources and talks about how the word she likes to use instead is employee care.
Human resources is about taking care of your employees. I come from a sales background and I would say that my number one customer is always going to be my team. Because as a leader, if you take really good care of your team and you treat them as your number one customer, then they will treat their customers as their number one.
Sometimes that remains to remove roadblocks and obstacles and a capacity that's supporting them in doing their job. Sometimes it is emotional support. In a leadership role, you are leading a lot of different personalities and each person needs a different support.
When it comes to them performing their job, and not only just understanding the technical aspect, but more importantly the emotional support.
Our conversation today will provide you with the tools to be able to open up and have these types of conversations. Whether it be about suicide and helping somebody process maybe they just lost someone to suicide. Or maybe they know somebody who's going through suicidal thoughts or even if it's somebody that you know, or even yourself who has lost somebody that you care to, to any illness, cancer, whatever it is.
Our hope in sharing this message today is that you take the time to pause, take the time to process the emotions, and take the time to get support whether it's talking with friends, colleagues, or a psychologist. Ensuring that you're taking the time to have the emotional support so that you can move forward.
