The Truth About Gossip: How to Avoid It and Create Lasting Relationships with Ali Cammelletti
Perhaps you heard someone gossiping about someone else. You may have discovered that everyone has been talking about you, and it's not very pleasant. Maybe you are a leader and sometimes find yourself favoring some employees over others. What do you do to keep your conversations from devolving into gossip or drama triangles? What can you do to stop playing favorites and be more inclusive? In today's episode, our guest will share her expertise on how to redirect gossip into honest and positive conversations.
In This Episode, You Will Learn About:
How to respond when someone is gossiping
Redirecting conversations
The effects of favoritism in the workplace
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About our guest:
Ali Cammelletti, a certified Leadership and Sales coach with over 30 years of experience within the Hospitality & Tourism Industry. As a TIGERS certified consultant, she helps people see team dynamics and learn how to better work together.
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A Deep Dive Into What Gossip Is
Brené Brown, a while back, I had heard, said that gossip is a false form of connection. And I resonated with that. And then, this last year I literally had clients reaching out to me saying, “Hey, Allie, do you have any content about helping our teams with gossip?” I was like, “Whoa, this is interesting.” Small clients are reaching out specifically about this topic. I started deep diving into why was this potentially happening all at once. I do believe that because of the pandemic, we did not have enough connection happening during that time unless you purposely were focusing on connecting in some form.
As we are back in the workforce, we're awkward. Let's admit it. People are awkward. There's no judgment. It's just the reality of it. I think that people are falsely trying to figure out how to connect, they're going down that road of gossip. Because you think about all the negative we've had: people complaining about their thoughts on vaccines or not, masks or not, politics… Everybody had some reason to complain. Then as some of this is maybe relaxing a little bit, they went to gossip.
I'm not a fan of it. I don't think that it builds you up. If you start noticing, you're like, “Oh, whoa. Yeah, I do have that friend that I get together with, and we always gossip.” And you join in. Pay attention to your body. What happens in your body? I can guarantee you do not walk away from that time with that friend, if that's all you did, feeling high vibrations, excited, and happy.
We know that gossip affects the erosion of trust and morale within an organization. Gossip can be the cancer within an organization, and, as you said, it could ruin our vibrations of how we are feeling. And a lot of time is wasted, which then results in a loss of productivity when we're gossiping. Also, we know that gossip creates an increase in anxiety. Rumors circulating can affect how people perceive us. And that information may or not be true, but it's gossip. How can someone respond when somebody is gossiping about another person? What do we do?
Dealing with Gossips
I have my own favorite response, and if you've hung out with me long enough, you know that I'm shutting it down in my own way. My response is, “Everyone has their own journey. Boy, I'm not perfect by any means.” And that's my response because I like to believe that when we give people the benefit of the doubt, we go to that place of compassion, of heart-centered, and we're not acting out of insecurity. I do feel gossip is a level of insecurity. And so focus on how can you be in that place of the heart and not be in a place of fear.
I would also add to that, cuz you mentioned this earlier—being in the place of the heart. How can we lift other people up when we're adding a level of enjoyment to somebody's day? Because gossiping does not build us up. It often tears us down and puts us in this negative spiral that affects our mood. Why would we do that to ourselves and why would we do that to other people? And when somebody is gossiping about somebody else, you can sometimes say, “It sounds like that's a conversation to have with that person.” Or, “I don't wanna be involved in this conversation.”
It doesn't benefit anybody. When we gossip about somebody, it really just leads to a lot of negativity. If you find yourself in a situation where somebody's gossiping about somebody else, how do you encourage them to talk directly to the person that they are triangulating with?
There are two pieces of it. If we hone down on what the gossip looks like, are they literally just talking badly about someone? Because that's when I shut it down. Or are they complaining that they are not doing their part in an organization? And at that point, I talk about how can we stay in our own lane and focus on our productivity. They have their areas to focus on, and we have our own areas to focus on. And some people will be like, “But I can see that they're logged in but they're not doing their work.” And I'll be like, “What can we do to not look at that information?” Because how is that serving you and how is that serving them? I highly recommend that they get to know them as an individual with the triangulating where maybe they're talking to their coworker about somebody else. We will talk directly. “How can I support you in that? What conversations would you like to have?” Maybe it's the difficult conversation that they are just challenged with. I don't like conflict, so I'm gonna divert over here and talk this way instead of hitting it head-on.
There have definitely been some times when I was the person somebody was triangulating about. Two people, two coworkers of mine were having a conversation about me, and what I found was their perception was completely different than the reality. And because this person didn't approach me about the conversation, it led them to believe that I had held them back from getting a promotion or a lateral move when that was not the case at all. It affected our relationship, and then it also created that ripple effect of them gossiping to other people. It creates this ripple effect where that perception is so far from the reality all because somebody was not willing to have a conversation and say, “Hey, I heard this from somebody, assuming positive intent that that may not be the case, but I wanted at least engage and have a conversation with you so that we can talk through this.”
Just being like, “I just wanna clarify something because I'm feeling like this might be the case, and I really wanna know the truth.” It's that honest, clear kind of communication that honors somebody else in a way where you're just not creating this toxic mess.
I had a client who was experiencing this kind of tit-tatting going on with the team, and we introduced the concept of positive gossip. They were required to communicate something positive about somebody else in what they did. Each person got the talking stick to do that. And then they carried it on, and they did this through their internet, as far as intranet in their community when it came to work, because they had remote workers as well, where they would share something positive about one another. They kept it up. And I'm like, “If you're having something really negative going on, how can we flip it and bring in the positive to combat that negativity?”
It's the same approach when we talk about gratitude. If we're in a situation where we are in this scarcity mindset of dooms day, everything negative is going on, we have to start to take account and an inventory of the things that we're grateful for every single day. There's a lot of research around it that shows that practicing gratitude and writing down things that you're grateful for every single day can shift your mind into a positive mindset. And it's that same thing that you are talking about, which is shifting from that gossiping negative mindset and looking at people for the good qualities you had mentioned about.
The perception of somebody who is not logging in and doing their work and the reality is perception versus reality. It may be that they are horrible at logging in. I had people in sales who were just horrible at logging their sales call. That doesn't mean that they weren't working; it was just they weren't great at logging in. But the reality is also approaching that conversation of what would it look like if they do work, what would the outcome be? What would it look like if you had had that conversation with them? Do they know how to log in? Is it because they keep forgetting to do it? There are so many factors that go into why we don't do things, and sometimes it's an opportunity to open up the conversation and go, “I didn't realize either that I had to do it or how to do it.” That's the thing too, right? Sometimes we don't do things cuz we don't know how to do them, and it opens up an opportunity for coaching.
I think also people feel that it’s not their position to have that conversation with this employee. They're my peer, so I should go to my manager. And that creates that triangle. And instead of just one-on-one, say, “Kenny, I noticed we work together a lot on Wednesdays, and we get really busy at this one time. I rely on you for that support. Is there anything I can do to help so that we can work together during that time?” Go directly. You don't need to go to your boss. You don't need to go to HR. But they get this in their mind, and that, for me, I speak to this is a leadership mindset. Nobody needs to report to you. You get to choose to show up as a leader every day in every action.
Leadership is not a title. Leadership is, as you said, it’s showing up every single day in the person that you are in. Now, if there is a time when you wanna go to your manager, that's fine cuz that's part of the development. But whether you are leading people, it's coaching that person on how to get to that conversation, it's about empowering your people to have these conversations. One-on-one. Peer-to-peer. So that we're not triangulating, getting into that gossiping. And it goes back to when you're reaching out to your peer, it might be, “Hey, this may or may not be the intent, but the perception of some of these X, Y, Z actions are resulting in the perception of you being X, Y, Z. And I know that that's probably not something that you want, but I wanted to bring it to your attention because I care about you.”
And it's speaking from your place. “This is what I'm experiencing.” And that's where it can get a little ugly. If you are like, “Well, so and so are saying this.” Nope. You speak from your experience. Because then if they think of somebody else's talking about them too, they get even more defensive and uncomfortable. And that's not what you want. I just can't stress enough. Team building. Our organizations are lacking in connection. Whatever you can do to bring your teams together, I don't care what it looks like, do it.
Some people are doing cooking classes together; other people are doing painting. It doesn't mean that you go out and drink at the end of the day together all the time. No. Find creative ways to come together, connect with one another, and get to know each other for who you are as a human, just not what you look like in the workplace. That is gonna create compassion, empathy, and connection that is gonna make all of these other prickly little pieces that can come into organizations and be so toxic. Relax. Often when you take the time to get to know people and you get to know we're all working on a problem in one way, shape, or form, you will have more empathy for people.
Favoritism in the Workplace
Let's now dig into favoritism because this can happen a lot, whether it is favoritism to a particular teammate, or even as a leader this happens when sometimes you have favoritism towards people on your team. Then that can create conflict within your team. What do you do when you possibly find yourself favoring one person over another? And how can that affect the team dynamic?
So toxic. I will go to attachment styles a little bit as well. We have different attachment styles, whether they be secure, anxious, or avoidant. And I tell you if you have favoritism toward someone in your organization and you have others that might have a bit of an anxious attachment style, where it's going to go is to that place of “I'm not good enough. Why am I not the chosen one?” And that's the base of all of us. That's where we start. Ever gone to therapy? That's where they're gonna start. I'm not good enough. That can erode. And what can happen is that you as an individual will start acting out in different ways that will then create that toxic piece.
Favoritism can also look like, maybe as a leader, you always go to one employee because you need extra work done. And you know they're gonna do it and do it fast. All of those other people potentially, again [are going to ask]— “I'm not good enough. Why isn't that person coming to me? Why is that other person always getting the extra work?” And not that everybody wants extra work, but it's the perception that's happening for them. So it’s really making sure you're spreading it out and that's where it's also being careful of not spending time specifically with others outside of work. And then you're coming into work and then you're talking about it.
I work in an industry that is really, really family-oriented, a lot of family members working together in the vacation rental industry, and this happens a lot. I've seen that as well. There are some organizations that I'm working with right now where there's a lot of history. People have grown up with each other; there are these close bonds, but the people that did not have that relationship prior to the coming organization are feeling very left out. And I hear what you're saying about. There are certain people that you know, as a leader, it's easier to go to that particular individual cuz you know whatever you're asking, it's gonna get done, it's gonna get done right. It's gonna get done efficiently and timely. But that also means that we're potentially not developing the people who don't have those skills just yet.
I say yet specifically. Could it be a possibility that we can allocate another time for that person to be a leader? I remember at one point when I was leading my team, I basically wrote on a whiteboard and I said, “What do you guys wanna do? What are your strengths, and what do you wanna take leadership on?”
There was one person that she was the team-hype person. That's what she called herself. She was in charge of hyping up the team. She was in charge that any time there was a team meeting, she would create the theme. She had all the decorations, which is great. That's awesome. Cause quite honestly, I was putting together all the decks, it was a lot for me to do. And that gave her an opportunity to shine. It's something that she was passionate about. Also, each person on the team got to choose what they wanted to take lead on, which they felt valued. It was a strength of theirs. They felt empowered. They felt that they could offer something. And that's where we do different types of team building things to learn about other people and what their strengths are.
How to Handle Gossips in the Workplace
What are three things that you wanna leave our listeners with today? What are three tools, phrases, or steps that they can take to minimize gossip, avoid favoritism, and improve the work culture?
I would start off with that: It starts with you. It always starts with you. When you start going to the blame game, look at yourself. What can you change? What can you dig into grow? A big part of what I talk about is believing people are doing the best they can. And Brene Brown says it's selfishly an inherent act because you feel better when you believe they're doing the best they can and you don't have those malicious thoughts that they're just out to make you crazy and make your life harder.
And you brought it up, but it is one of my favorites and it is my go-to, and that is gratitude. I practice it daily. I set intentions, but I recommend that you do 30 days of gratitude when you start to feel negative. And what it looks like for me: one, you never repeat. It's something different every time. There is research that shows that when you are searching for something to be grateful for, there is rewiring that happens in your brain. It literally is like taking an antidepressant. That is how powerful gratitude is. Yet I am gonna challenge you to take it to the next level. Say what you're grateful for, and then talk about how it makes you feel. And an example would be that today, I'm so grateful that I get to live across the street from my daughter. Because being self-employed allows me to literally walk across the street and volunteer for an hour and be able to be back for a coaching session or a podcast. And how does it make me feel? Oh, I experienced so much joy with these kids. And that's where I wanna be—to experience joy as much as I can.
