How Women Speak Differently in the Workplace with Barbara Teicher
In this episode, we talk all about the different communication styles between men and women, advice for women looking to break into leadership roles, why you need to stop saying "I'm sorry", and saying no to that which doesn't serve you.
I'm joined by Barbara Teicher. Barbara is a TEDx Global and Women's speaker. She is a published author with her book “It’s How You Say It”, with twenty-five years’ experience developing leaders in Fortune 500 companies. Barbara has a focus on women and helps accelerate women to be influential leaders with greater impact.
For over 13 years Barbara has spoken over 400 times and done countless workshops for corporations, organizations, and associations. She’s the creator of the PropelHer® System, which focuses on women in business and brings them through a deep and systematic three-pillar approach impacting corporate cultures, careers, and mindset.
“When you're going to a meeting, you need to do your homework on who is going to be there and what is going to be talked about" – Barbara Teicher
Highlights
💫 2:21 A little about Barbara's career journey
💫 5:15 Communication differences between the sexes
💫 10:12 What can women do to stand out in a leadership position?
💫 16:42 Why you need to stop apologizing!
💫 19:38 It is okay to say "no"
💫 22:35 Three takeaways from today's conversation
Connect with Featured Guest, Barbara Teicher
✳️ Website: https://www.propelherinfluence.com/
✳️ Book: https://www.amazon.com/Its-HOW-You-Say-Communication
✳️ TEDx Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94m73OkOZqU
How To Make a Great Impact as a Female Leader
Most people think of themselves as either what they call “type A” or “type B”. Either they're analytical and detailed, or they are outgoing and personable. To me, I think there needs to be a blend of both. So what I mean by that is, when you are making a decision or you have an issue, or whatever the case may be, think from the outside in. What are the details? What is the data? What does history tell you? What would the experts say? What is all of that logical information that you need to have to make that great decision? Once you've made the decision, act from the inside out. How will it impact the people that are going to be hit by this decision? How will it impact the culture of the company? How will it impact teams? How will it impact working together so that you're considering not just the business, not just the people, but the whole situation for the betterment of both people and the culture of the company?
That's a great explanation of really thinking differently. And I always see that the higher you go in a corporation organization, you're thinking about the impact that you make. And when you're talking about thinking from the outside in and acting from the inside out, that's really a reflection of what you see in some of the leaders that are out there today.
Communication Differences Between Men and Women
Style can also indicate differences and there is really a communication difference between men and women. And I would say that, you know, when you look at some of the ways that the movies portray successful women, oftentimes I think of the Devil Wears Prada, and it's always this woman who's in high power.
In media or in movies, often, the woman that is very successful is known as this powerhouse, not very nice. And so what happens is, the result of that is it creates this stigma of powerful women. Yeah, so let’s elaborate a little bit more about the differences of how men and women communicate in a corporate setting, and how women can communicate to really create their seat at the table.
I'm going to tell you a short story, personal story that will drive the point home, and then I'll transfer that over to corporate. My husband and I have been married for almost 29 years, and I keep trying to tell him how lucky he is. But anyway, when we were first married and going back to work right after the honeymoon, I thought on our first day back, I would call him and tell him I miss him and couldn't wait to see him. Now, I'm thinking like me. So I called him and I heard the phone ring, and the butterflies and he answered the phone. And this is how that conversation went, “Hello.” “Hi, it's me.” “Hi, what do you need?” “I don't need anything. I just wanted to call and say hi, and see how you're doing?” “I'm doing fine. I'll talk to you tonight.” Click.
So when I got home, I gave him a little feedback. And what he shared was when he was at work, like many of us, he was focused and driven. And he didn't really have time. So the next time I called him at work, when I did have something I needed to ask, I started to think like him and thought, “Okay, I'm going to call, I'm going to ask, I'm going to get off.”
So one time I called and here was the conversation, “Hello.” “Hi, I have three things to ask you: thing one, thing two, thing three.” “Oh yeah: answer, one answer two, answer three. How are you doing? How's your day?” Well, bottom line is did he really care how my day was? No. But the key is, I had to try to think like him. And he was trying to think like me to get along.
The challenge in corporate and in work, what happens is, we just assume that people should be like us. And when we think like us and talk like us, we are drawn to people like us. And when they're not – whether we are the person that's direct and aggressive or we are the person that's more personable, if you will – there's that disconnect. And the way to challenge that and to change that is to try and think of the personalities that will be at the table and not don't be yourself. But try and modify that style to be a style that they would welcome and not a style they would push back on because you want them to hear your message, not your delivery.
That is great advice. Because often we communicate – when I was in corporate, we went through different trainings, we go through the “color inside”, or you go through personality trainings, and also love languages of appreciation in the workplace; there's a lot of personality trainings that we go to – and often, we're communicating in the way that we want to receive communication. And it’s completely different when you're communicating to somebody else. And I almost want to say that my roles in our marriage are a little flipped. My husband, he'll drive home and he's like, “What are you doing? How are you?” And I'm trying to wrap up work real quick before I can go take care of our kids.
But you know, the challenge with that in a work setting is, let's say I go into someone's office. And I'm like, “Hi, how are you doing?” And they're like, “What do you need?” In my mind that translates to, “I don't care about you. I don't want to talk to you. You have nothing important to say.” On the flip side, if I go into their office and I say, “Hey…” Their impression may be, you know, you don't take things seriously; when the truth is, it’s not that way that perception is different on each side. And so how do we marry those perceptions? And a lot of that is in the book and a lot of that is what we work on in workshops and things. How do you modify that approach and that delivery so that you're still yourself? You've got to be yourself, but at the same time, it's something that people will welcome and want to be a part of.
Climbing the Corporate Ladder as a Woman
So what advice would you give to women out there because one of the biggest challenges that we see is there's very few women that are in executive roles. And I worked in an aesthetic industry where 90%, or I would say 80-85%, of the sales representatives are women. And the consuming products that work with sold are 90% women. However, the higher you go in the corporation, the fewer women there are. So it's interesting that the consumer is typically women, the sales reps are women; however, the higher you go on, the executive leadership is transitioned more to a male in executive leadership. So what can women do to really position themselves to stand out as they're climbing up the corporate ladder and as they're going into these literal leadership positions?
It's interesting that you said that, Danielle, because I did a TEDx talk in Kansas City for women. And one of the things that I talked about was that without going into all the boring statistics and things, research has proven that companies that are led by women – and by that I mean, they are in the CEO position – are much more successful financially for the company. The company is more financially successful than those that are led by men. And yet, to your point, they're not there. Why not? And you could say, you know, corporate America has typically been male, they don't like to change. Well, if corporate America didn't change, there would be no corporate America, right? So what does it take to your point? It takes women that are self-competent enough to be themselves, and yet strong enough to be gentle – and let me explain that, some women sit at the table and it's an either-or situation; either I have to go in and I have to knock everybody down and I have to let them know that I am here, or we do kind of the cultural thing we've been taught and that is, we kind of wait until we're invited to speak, and then we speak.
To answer your question specifically, what can people do? I'm going to share three things:
Never apologize for your comments.
I have been at a table where a woman has said and started her conversation with, “Well, you've probably already heard this and this may not work. So if you have, I'm sorry.” Hello, quit discounting yourself. You have just as much right to be there. And more times than not, your ideas are wonderful.
Stand up for yourself.
And here's what I mean by that, when I share something at the table and people go, “Oh, meh.” And 10 minutes later, some guy says the exact same thing and they're brilliant, you know, they're brilliant. A lot of women would sit back and not say anything. To me, I would look at that person and say, “That's so funny. I just said that. So help me understand, am I missing this? What is different from what I said? And maybe we can blend the two? Because there's nothing different?”
Do your homework.
When you're going to a meeting, find out not only what that meeting is about. Who's going to be there? Why are they there? If I’m sitting in a meeting and there's finance and there’s sales, and there's marketing, they all have a different focus. So when I'm going to share whatever brilliant thing I'm going to share, I want to make sure that as I say it, there is something in there that might catch the eye or the ear of whoever it is that's in finance, or whoever it is that's in sales or marketing. So that when I share my idea, it's not just “Barb's great idea” that you guys should listen to, but a great strategic option that will really bring benefit to every goal or many of the goals that we're talking about. And to be yourself, don't try to be someone else. I mean, anyway, all of that stuff is in that TED talk, but it's right up the alley of what you're talking about.
What Being Confident Really Means – The Power of Your Presence
I invite everybody to watch that TEDx because it's a very powerful message on women in leadership. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's one of the reasons why I reached out to you, Barbara, because I wanted to share this, what I'm hearing from you is, be confident. And part of being confident is not saying sorry. What would it look like if you went a week without saying I'm sorry? What are some ways that we can kind of shift our language instead of saying I'm sorry? Even the simple ways that we bump into somebody or we're late and shifting from instead of saying, “I'm sorry,” to “Thanks for your patience.” You know, if you're late to an event or something. Because when we start to say I'm sorry, it's about us and not so much about the other person and the fact that they were waiting.
Right. I think it was, The Princess Diaries, the movie that Julie Andrews played the queen. And when she walked into the room, her niece said, “Grandma, you're late.” And she said, “Oh, no, honey. The queen is never late. Everyone else was just early.” I think that reinforces that.
One of the ways not to say I'm sorry – and this goes back to confidence – so the “I'm sorry” is just an outcome, really, of confidence. But when you go into a meeting, or you're going to send out an email, I can't stress enough that one thing that will help your confidence, as well as your perception or people's perception of you, is to make sure that you are confident in what you're sending. Do I have my facts correct? Do I have my information correct? What is the benefit to what I'm suggesting? So it's not just, “Hey, let me share this.” What's the outcome? What's the benefit? And the more you do those things, and the more you know you have done them well, it will start to build that confidence.
There's something else that I talk about a lot in the programs I do, and it's called your POP which is the “Power Of Your Presence.” As a woman in business, we have an opportunity to have a huge impact on the culture of a company because of the power of our presence. It's called the “it factor,” right? All of these things together will help propel women up that ladder and the ladder they want it to be. It's not, “I want to be in business. So I have to give this up at home.” No. You just need to know how to climb the ladder and what shoes to wear.
And that's also about, it's not a matter of shifting who you're speaking to. It’s, “Well, if I climb the corporate ladder, I'm not going to be present at home as much.” No, it's about understanding your value. It's about understanding that your time is your most valuable asset and setting boundaries. And I think that was one of the biggest learning lessons I learned. I remember when I was in a leadership role before having my kids and I'm going, “I feel like I am going 100 miles an hour, and I am just not even creating balance in my life. How are these moms doing it?” And when I became a mom, I learned how to create balance by being very intentional with my time. Or if I'm going to have a call with somebody, there's going to be intention behind it. And I learned to say yes to things I've also learned to say, “Thank you so much for inviting me to be part of this project. I currently have something that's time-sensitive that I'm gonna go ahead and take care of right now.” So there's ways that you can say yes, but also setting boundaries. “Yes, I can talk to you. Maybe, you know, let's have some time tomorrow.”
Setting Boundaries to Take Care of Yourself
When you are a woman in business – emphasis on the word women because of our culture – we feel like we have to say yes to everything. I even do a program called, How to Say No with Finesse. But we want to say yes at work, and yes to the projects, and yes at home, and yes to the PTA, and yes to church, and yes to neighbors; and yet, because we don't want to let anyone down, in the process, what we're doing is exhausting ourselves. So unfortunately, when women have time-sensitive careers and lives like we all do, what we tend to do is the first thing that gets pushed out is us, right? How do we put us back in and make it in such a way that you don't feel guilty about it – it actually becomes your priority. Because how can we be good for other people if we're not good ourselves, but we don't think about it.
I think that one of the conversations I had with my husband one day was asking for help – and saying, “I see that you're burnt out. You need to ask for help.” – and not feeling guilty for it. I remember one of these days, I said, “Okay, I have too much on my plate. You had just gotten back from a deployment. I've been doing everything while you've been gone. So now we're both working professionals and parents.” And so I remember we wrote down a list of all the things – the household chores – that get to be done. And we wrote down this list, and I said, “Okay, you choose one then I choose one. You choose one then I choose one.” So we had the power of making the decision of the ones we wanted to choose, we also divided up the chores.
You know, and one thing that I say to women as they're talking about their accomplishments here, or what they're doing, is that I asked them, “When was the last time you did something for yourself, and what was it?” And nine times out of ten, someone will say, “I went to bed.” But how do you intentionally carve out time that's good for you, that isn't a token gesture, and yet not feel guilty? Why do we feel guilty about this? Nobody else does. Right? Why did we do that to ourselves?
But corporate America is interesting, because it's like building a cake. Everything you do when you are in your career position is an ingredient in that cake. If you put too much of something, it throws it off. If there's not enough of something, it throws it off. Or maybe you have put the ingredients together in such a way it just leaves a bad taste. So how do you know what to put in, and how much to put in, and all of those things, and there is a recipe for that. And the recipe is different, depending upon what position you want, what the culture of the company is, and how badly you want it. How badly do you want this? Because if you want it badly, it's not going to be easy, right? If it was, everybody would do it. But it will be rewarding if you are willing to learn how to bake the cake.
Three Simple but Important Takeaways
You are worth it.
Whatever it is you're choosing to do – climb the corporate ladder, be at home, do all of them. Whatever your goals are, you deserve to have them.
It's not what you say. It's how you say it.
How are you approaching your relationships both at home and at work with different people so that they make sense, and so that they realize that you are trying to be on their side – not against them? It's not “us and them.” It's “we”. How do you create “we”?
Think from the outside in and act from the inside out.
Before you make a decision, before you try to change something, before you approach an issue, think from the outside in and act from the inside out.
